


31 Days of Ballum

by all_we_see_is_sky



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use in Chapter 31, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts in Chapter 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 25,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_we_see_is_sky/pseuds/all_we_see_is_sky
Summary: A collection of ballum/benway ficlets based off the first 31 songs that came on shuffle.Aka, I’m bored and I like music and writing





	1. Day 1: Rude - MAGIC!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 1! This prompt is based off Rude by MAGIC!

_ [we will run away, to another galaxy](https://youtu.be/PIh2xe4jnpk) _

Ben and Callum had only been sat in the vic for about half an hour when they were greeted by unwelcome company. It took Ben the best part of an hour to convince Callum to come out with him in the first place, and now what was supposed to be a relaxing night had been completely and utterly destroyed by Callum’s oaf of a father. “Can we help?” Ben drawled, keeping his eyes fixed intently on Callum and ignoring Jonno as much as he could with him looming over the pair of them. 

“You. You’re sick you know that? I told you to leave him alone,” Jonno spat and Ben couldn’t help but roll his eyes, glancing up at the man with disinterest. He was making Callum fidgety and nervous and that alone was enough to make Ben want to knock his front teeth out.

“And I’m fairly certain he told you to leave him alone too, did he not? Do us all a favour and go crawl back into your pit,” Ben wasn’t expecting the man to drag him up out of his seat by his collar just to get into his face, nor was he expecting Callum’s outburst after Jonno hissed out the word ‘scum’.

“I told you, he ain’t scum. And you don’t get to say sorta stuff to him,” having not been anticipating his son’s anger, Jonno stumbled back when Callum pushed the man’s chest, dropping Ben’s jacket as he lost his balance. “Ain’t you already made my life hell enough? You don’t have to keep at it, I don’t want you, Stuart don’t want you, you’re a waste of space,” for a moment Jonno looked shocked before turning and storming out of the pub, clearly feeling embarrassed and shown up like he had the last time. Ben only just managed to suppress the childish urge to high five Callum and let himself smirk proudly at his man instead.

Callum seemed to be glaring at nothing in particular as they lowered themselves back into their seats, Ben’s hand resting on Callum’s own trembling hand atop of the table. Adrenaline. “How are you?” Ben dared to ask quietly. He’d never seen Callum get angry like that before, at least not at anybody other than Ben himself, but he couldn’t say he was surprised, Callum had needed it, closure or something like that.

“Why’s he gotta be so rude? All the damn time,” Callum seethed, his harsh gaze directed at his pint glass now, particularly at a drop of condensation rolling down it like that single drop had caused all of his life problems. “I have feelings, I’m a damn human. Unlike him, apparently,” Callum seemed to be going off on his own tangent now, he didn’t care if Ben was listening or not.

“Rude? That’s one way to put it, your dad is a fucking dickhead, Cal,” Callum scoffed lightly at that. “None of that matters. Not anymore, alright? You’ve got me now, and more importantly, you’ve got yourself. You’re allowed to be you. And no bald lout, be it your brother or your dad, is going to take that away from you,” Ben promised. He wouldn’t let it happen, he loved Callum far too much to let one of Callum’s family members drive him off.

They would take it step by step, get through it together and Ben would be right by Callum’s side, whether Jonno liked it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this first chapter! It ran away from me and became something completely different than what I was planning but honestly, when is that not the case?


	2. Day 2: Misery Business - Paramore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2!! Inspired by Misery Business by Paramore

_ [‘cause i got him where i want him now](https://youtu.be/aCyGvGEtOwc) _

Ben shot up from the couch when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs of the flat. “Oh great, you’re home,” Ben practically cheered as he began taking off the suit jacket that adorned Callum’s shoulders. Callum stared at his boyfriend, confusion written all over his face.

“Yes? I’m-“ Callum started speaking but was cut off when Ben all but ripped the tie from his neck, went ahead with unbuttoning his shirt and pulled the tail ends from his slacks. “Ben, what’re you doing? Can’t we get into the bedroom before you start stripping me down?” Callum pleaded. The first month in the flat together had been adventurous to say the least but in a short amount of time washing the couch cushions ever other day had become tedious.

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Ben scoffed yet he turned and walked into the bedroom anyway. Callum followed cluelessly, starting to work on his pants since Ben hadn’t bothered with them. “Ah! Leave those on, loverboy,” over the past few weeks Callum had gotten used to Ben’s weird antics but this was really pushing the boat out. Choosing to go along with it and not question anything, probably due to the fear of Ben’s answer, Callum sat on the edge of the bed and watched Ben rifle through the draws. A couple of minutes later and Ben let out a sound of joy as he pulled out out a fancy looking shirt and a tie. “We’re going out tonight. Put these on,” as usual, Ben left no room for argument and begun getting ready too, pulling the simple T-shirt off his body as well as his sweatpants.

“You took my tie and shirt off, just to put me into a different tie and shirt?” Callum questioned once they were both dressed, Ben looked affronted.

“I took you out of your boring tie and shirt to put you into a fancy tie and shirt. You know nothing, don’t question me,” Ben demanded. It was Callum’s turn to scoff and shake his head slightly. If there was one thing that Callum had learned whilst being Ben’s boyfriend, it was to let him get on with things. Ben would never make Callum do something that he really didn’t want to do but damn could the man be persuasive. “We’re just going to the Prince Albert but there’s no harm in looking nice, yeah?” Ben hummed, giving Callum’s left cheek a small pat before kissing his right cheek and walking past him to stand in the doorframe of their bedroom. “After you, good sir,” Ben bowed as he spoke with that stupid posh accent, but Callum couldn’t help laughing as he walked past, a smile on his face.

When they were walking down the street hand in hand, Callum thanked his lucky stars for a brief moment. After the chemistry between them developed from an affair into a fully fledged relationship, maybe Callum had started taking a couple of things for granted but being able to walk down the street hand in hand would never be one of those things. Warmth and happiness filled Callum’s body whenever he had the luck to be out in public with Ben, considering they hadn’t had that privilege at first. They walked in silence, the silence comfortable, with Ben leaning against Callum slightly, grinning up at the man every so often. Callum noticed the mischievous glint in Ben’s eye but opted to ignore it as best as he possibly could. Ben was up to something.

“Come to the bar with me? We’ll get a seat together later,” Ben promised, pulling Callum over to the bar. Callum stood stock still when he realised who was working, chatting away with the punters as well as Tina, her hair as red as ever even under the multicoloured lights of the bar.

“Ben,” Callum whispered, a slight warning to his tone as he pulled on the man’s hand. It wasn’t like Callum was ashamed of Ben around Whitney or anything like that. He didn’t stop holding Ben’s hand when they walked past her in the square, or stop Ben from kissing his cheek, it was just that he didn’t like to rub it in her face. Whitney had been hurt, and that was to be expected. Even though she had accepted it and moved on, had hugged Callum and wished him the best, Callum didn’t fancy kicking her while she was down.

“It’s been a month, Cal. She’s probably moved on. Come on,” Ben insisted, tugging Callum more firmly along until they stopped at the bar, Callum two steps back with his arm resting gently on Ben’s hip. “Whit, two pints when you’re ready. That good for you, babe?” Callum bit his lip and nodded. Since when did Ben call him babe? “You’re allowed to speak, you know,” Ben laughed and pulled Callum close, landing a kiss on his lips. Callum pulled back just as Whitney muttered something to Tina and disappeared into the staff room. Ben’s eyes followed her. “What’s her problem?” Ben huffed, a smirk on his lips.

“You knew she was here didn’t you?” The proud smirk dropped off Ben’s face and left him looking nothing but sheepish instead. “You’re being cruel, Ben,” Callum whispered but his hand still lay on Ben’s hip. Ben rolled his eyes.

“And you’re being dramatic. I ain’t being cruel, Callum. I’m allowed to show you off now, you’re my boyfriend and I want everybody to see you,” Ben shrugged, making Callum sigh again and rub his forehead. Ben was a piece of work sometimes, but Callum wouldn’t have him any other way. Just as he turned back to the bar to flag down Tina, Callum gave Ben a small squeeze.

“Hey, can we pass on all of this? I ain’t in the mood tonight,” Callum murmured close to Ben’s ear so he would hear over all of the club chatter. Ben looked like he was about to argue but saw the resigned look in Callum’s eyes and thought against it, nodding instead and letting Callum lead him towards the exit this time. A wasted trip.

Once back at home, a tense sort of silence settled over the household, Callum annoyed at Ben for having done that to Whitney and Ben not wanting to say anything to make it worse. The silence only broke when they were laying in bed together, Ben still using Callum’s chest as a pillow despite his anger. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Callum’s skin. Callum hummed, letting Ben go on. “I wasn’t thinking. I never meant to brag, it just feels good to have you,” Ben whispered and Callum let out a sigh, running his hand through Ben’s hair slowly.

“I get that Ben, really I do. I just wish that you went about it differently. You don’t need to be cruel to show me off,” Callum pleaded. Ben gave a nod of agreement and raised his head to give Callum a kiss. The kiss was gentle and soft, nothing like the kiss that they had shared earlier in the pub but it was ten times more pleasing. Maybe it was nice to share what they had in public, but maybe enjoying what they had in private could be even better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was expecting this one to be much easier to write than it actually was, there was supposed to be much more Ben teasing Whitney but I didn’t have it in me to do that to her oops. Still! Thank you for reading!!


	3. Day 3: Lifeline - We Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 wow surprised I’ve made it this far. Inspired by Lifeline by We Three which is one of my favourite songs!

_ [i’ll raise my white flag and just give in](https://youtu.be/FH-VMtAU2-U) _

Ben couldn’t figure out what had gotten into him. Sleeping with people was easy for him. He could fuck around with whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted and forget about them merely a few hours later, so what he didn’t understand was why a quick half an hour in the park hidden under the night sky was playing on repeat in his head. Maybe it was because he felt for Callum, he’d been in Callum’s position before and remembered how awful the experience had been, he didn’t want Callum to feel that way anymore, no matter how much he convinced himself he didn’t have feelings for the man. 

After another unsuccessful night of trying to put Callum out of his mind and pull a stranger in the club, Ben was walking home with his hands in his pockets, feeling nothing besides tired. Even the slight buzz of the alcohol had worn off by now. The square was silent, everybody probably fast asleep and Ben would’ve found the silence eerie if it weren’t for the fact that he had gotten so comfortable with the place all over again. He could move around as much as he wanted, Walford would always be his home. He had allowed himself to get lost in his own mind, which was why he almost jumped out of his skin when he heard a bottle smash against the ground. 

Unable to leave anything alone, Ben walked closer to the sound, moving towards the centre of the square and into the gardens, he had to squint to try and see through the dull shadows. It was probably just some lost, drunk teenager, Ben reasoned with himself and was fully prepared to call the kid a taxi and get them home. His plan turned south when he saw a figure curled up on the bench. “Uh, hey? You alright?” Ben asked, far too sober to deal with this shit.

The last thing he was expecting was to be greeted by familiar bright blue eyes, only this time they were bloodshot and glassy with unshed tears. “Ben, I-“ Callum floundered desperately for an excuse, as though he hadn’t just been crying his heart out in public. “I couldn’t sleep. Had to get out of there,” he whispered, knowing full well that Ben was only going to push until he got answers anyway.

Ben walked closer to Callum, stepping around the broken green glass to perch on the bench beside the upset man. “You been drinking?” Callum nodded. “You ain’t even married yet, no need to fall into early alcoholism,” Callum just gave Ben a look that showed he really didn’t appreciate Ben’s pathetic attempt of a joke. “This about your dad?” Ben’s voice turned quieter, softer as he tried to get to the bottom of what had gotten Callum in such a state. Callum mumbled a quiet ‘no’. “Stuart?” Ben kept going, getting nowhere until Callum spoke up.

“It’s the wedding,” when Ben opened his mouth to speak, Callum placed his hand on top of Ben’s, his touch feather light to keep Ben quiet. “I’m just scared. I have your words going round and round in my head and I’m scared about what’ll happen to me if I don’t say something soon, what’ll happen to my head. I ain’t sleeping, I can’t function properly. I can’t even write my stupid vows because the more I think about what should be in someone’s vows, the more I realise none of that is true for me and Whitney,” Ben nodded in understanding, turning his hand around so that their palms touched and their fingers could slot together neatly. Ben’s hand felt so small in Callum’s.

“Callum, I know you’re scared. I get that. But just know that I ain’t going to walk away from you, I ain’t giving up. I’ll help you get through this as best as I can but first you got to admit to yourself that you need the help, it ain’t going to get magically better by itself,” Ben reminded, thumb moving over Callum’s skin. God, he looked broken. Ben liked to tease and push peoples buttons, Callum’s specifically, but he never wanted to see the man like this, not over something that he couldn’t control.

“I give up. I’m-“ Callum let out a frustrated groan. “I ain’t got the right to be upset, not when Whit is the one who’s got a cheating, liar of a fiancé,” Callum hissed, angry at himself as a fresh wave of tears built up behind his eyes, threatening to spill when Ben pulled him into a hug and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. It was so far from anything he had experienced before and Callum wanted to experience it over and over again

“It’s 3am. Go back to bed, Callum. Get some rest, I’ll meet you at the Arches later okay? I ain’t letting you fall apart, it won’t happen,” Ben promised, giving Callum’s back a small rub before standing up. Before he turned to walk back to his own house, Ben shoved his hands into his pockets and raised an eyebrow at Callum. “Later?”

“Later,” Callum promised. He had been confused about his sexuality before, but he thought he had gotten through it, that he had successfully convinced himself he was straight and in love with Whitney. Then Ben came into the equation and messed everything up, left Callum having sleepless nights and panic attacks at 2am. The bright smile on Ben’s face before he turned and walked away was worth it though, he seemed so genuinely happy. Maybe Callum would get to smile like that one day too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading!!! I’m trying to get back to like the 500 word count like day one was but I literally can’t help myself when I’m writing it’s not even funny anymore.


	4. Day 4: Brave - Sara Bareilles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit late but here is day 4, inspired by Brave by Sara Bareilles (a great coming out song)

_ [show me, how big your brave is](https://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4) _

Affairs were fine for Ben, he didn’t mind being somebody’s hour of freedom but with Callum it was different. Ben had to walk around the square, watching Callum live out a lie with this dull sort of look behind his eyes that only Ben noticed. Ben only realised how dull looking Callum’s eyes looked around Whitney because of the fact that he had seen Callum’s eyes full of joy and relief. When they would share the same breath and body heat, when there was nobody else but the two of them and Callum was free to be himself, just for a little while before going back to his perfect little life.

“I want to tell everybody,” Callum whispered one time, naked from the neck down as he lay on Ben’s chest. Ben just hummed and stroked through Callum’s slightly sweaty hair. He had given up all hope with that, Callum declared he was going to tell Whitney every time they fooled around. “I do, I swear,” when Ben didn’t reply, Callum lifted his head, staring at Ben earnestly. Ben almost couldn’t take it.

“I believe you, I do,” Ben promised. He did believe Callum wanted to tell everybody, but whether or not he actually would was a different story.

“Teach me how. I don’t know what I’m doing here Ben. I ain’t even- I ain’t even said the words to myself, never mind Whit,” Callum huffed, sitting up properly. He dragged the blankets up with him, sitting with them pooled in his lap as he stared down at Ben, unable to stop his eyes from roaming over the man’s chest.

“Well go on then. Say it now, just to me,” Ben encouraged, sitting up too to face Callum. He took Callum’s hand in his, stroking over the back of it and up his arm towards his elbow before following the trail back down to his fingertips again. Callum looked hesitant. “Be brave,” Ben whispered.

Callum started into Ben’s eyes for a moment before whispering in return. “I’m gay,” he mumbled, nodding firmly, like he was pushing himself to say the words. “I’m gay,” Callum spoke more clearly, more confidently, like he believed himself this time. It sounded nothing like the times he had tried to tell himself that he was straight, voice wavering and unsure.

“There you go,” Ben’s voice was gentle but if anybody ever dare accuse him of being soft, he would deny it through and through. “That’s all you got to do, it ain’t that hard right? Just be brave, Callum. You’re living a lie, it’s destroying you. Silence ain’t doing you any good, you know it yourself,” Ben coaxed. He would never pressure Callum into coming out, but he knew sometimes all it took was a little shove, like what Jay had given Ben. “Just say what you want to say to her, to everyone. You ain’t got to mention my name, not yet. We can keep hush until the dust settles and it will settle, I swear it,” Callum’s eyes had started lighting up again, that usual bright blue that he wore whenever he was around Ben in private and Ben felt a wave of relief wash over him. He hated seeing Callum looking dull. 

“Thank you, for putting up with all this,” Callum murmured, feeling like he really wasn’t worth the hassle, like Ben had said. Still, Ben kissed Callum tenderly and pulled him back down until they were both laying on the bed again. Maybe one day Callum would let himself out of the cage he was living in, but for now he could enjoy what Ben offered behind closed doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this song so much and it helped me through so much shit so doing this one was really fun and cute for me! Thank you for sticking around!! And thank you for your lovely comments it means a lot to me x


	5. Day 5: Arizona - Kevin McHale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 is inspired by Arizona by Kevin McHale aka Artie from glee who released a banging new ep recently all the songs slap

_ [you’re broken and it’s so loud ](https://youtu.be/vtjNjjdHyJE) _

Ben was pissed off to put it frankly. He had made plans to hook up with somebody later on but his dad decided that it was the perfect day to have Ben working on one damn car for twelve hours straight. As he wiped oil from his hands onto his overalls and, the door opened with a loud clatter, swinging closed with the same amount of noise. Ben groaned at the sight of Callum in front of him and ignored the puppy dog eyes. 

“Look, mate. I’m busy here alright? I ain’t helping you with whatever gay crisis you’re having this time because if I don’t get this car done soon I’m going to be going insane. You seem to have a thing for letting yourself go crazy but I don’t,” Ben dismissed Callum and walked around to the hood of the car, eager to ignore the man and get the car done as soon as he could. He could still go out if he finished up quick enough. Apparently unable to take a hint, Callum walked further into the Arches, his movement slow and calculated like he was afraid that Ben strike at any moment. Ben watched as he walked over to the car and planted himself firmly beside it, staring down at Ben. “Thought I was the deaf one? What’s your mastermind plan here, Callum? Seduce me in my work place? Or are you just going to stand there like a twat?” Ben demanded after five minutes of Callum watching over him, observing him work. It was putting him on edge.

“I just have something to tell you,” Callum murmured, twisting his hands together awkwardly and playing with his fingers like it was a nervous habit. He wasn’t exactly the most suave guy that Ben had ever met in his life. Ben gestured with his hand for Callum to continue whilst still stuck in the front of the car. “Can you look at me, Ben? For two damn seconds,” Callum begged, the pleading tone so evident in his voice that Ben couldn’t lifting his eyes and standing up properly to face Callu. Callum grinned like a child. “Haven’t seen you in ages,” he whispered, reaching out for Ben’s hand. Ben dropped the spanner he was holding in an instant to reciprocate and hated that he caved so easily. All Callum had to do was act sweet and Ben for some reason would always respond in kind without meaning to.

“Yeah, well,” Ben shrugged. He didn’t have it in him to tell Callum that he meant what he said outside of the pub. Callum wasn’t worth the hassle, not when he was so devoted to his straight act and marrying Whitney. Even though he meant the words, if Callum were to ever suggest a round two Ben wasn’t so sure he would be able to say no.

“Ben, I’ve been messing around, I know alright? But Whitney is really special, she’s an amazing girlfriend and she’ll make an amazing wife. She’s beautiful and she’s breathtaking I-“ Ben yanked his hand free, his eyes turning harsh as he glared at Callum.

“I get it,” he turned around as he hissed the words out, directing his gaze at the car.

“But so are you,” Callum contributed and Ben’s caught in his throat slightly, even though he would never admit that Callum ever got that sort of reaction out of him. Ben looked up curiously. “You’re special too. I can’t stop thinking about you. You keep me up at night without even meaning to. And I ain’t just saying this to keep you sweet, you came into my life and you made it a mess. You ruined any pretences that I thought I could keep up and Whitney, I love her, but she ain’t you,” Ben stared at Callum like he had grown a third head.

“You got all that from a handjob in the park?” Ben scoffed slightly but his shoulders dropped from where they had hunched up in defence when Callum mentioned Whitney. No matter what Callum spouted, Ben knew that Callum wasn’t in love with him and he knew that he wasn’t in love with Callum. He was however sure that he had some sort of feelings for Callum that were tangled up in this whole mess, and clearly Callum did too if he was unable to sleep easy at night.

“No. I got all that from you being a snarky git. The way you look at me, how you are with Lexi and Lola and Jay, how you were with me when my -when Jonno showed up. You’re more than what people give you credit for,” Callum rambled some more and before Ben could even begin to reply, Callum had tugged him in for a kiss that was much more slow and passionate that Ben had first been expecting. Ben didn’t bother responding and just let himself get lost in Callum all over again, knowing that when Callum wandered back to Whitney and pretended all of this never happened it would hurt tenfold compared to last time. 

Ben wasn’t sure where all of this had come from, what had spurred Callum to show up and start confessing all of his feelings but Ben wasn’t complaining. He just prayed Callum wouldn’t go back on his word, it wouldn’t be fair on either of them. Maybe one day Callum would come clean and they could really allow themselves to fall for each other. Maybe Callum could properly fall in love with someone and do it right this time and maybe Ben could eventually let himself find a home in Callum,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was sort of meh in my own opinion but I can’t just skip a day because I don’t like it. This was much harder than I had anticipated oh damn. Thank you for reading still!!! And may we look forward to the next 26 days (oh boy)


	6. Day 6: Brave Face - Frank Turner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6 inspired by Brave Face by Frank Turner who is a great under appreciated artist I love all of us stuff

_ [if we have to do this, let’s do it smiling](https://youtu.be/g16QTzTsKYw) _

After Ben had told Callum that he wasn’t worth the hassle, whatever they relationship they shared turned rocky. Callum would every so often try and interact with Ben but Ben was quick to brush him off, not sure he would be able to just see Callum as just a mate, not when he had developed some sort of feelings towards the man during the messy affair. 

That was until Callum had found him upset about his dad, about everything, and Ben had his guard down. It was the perfect opportunity for Callum to sweep in and steal Ben’s affection all over again. Without meaning to, they had shared a round two that night only it had been much more intimate than either man had been expecting but it was exactly what they both had needed. Ever since then, they took what they could, Ben ignored Callum and Whitney’s relationship as much as possible and Callum ignored the guilt in his gut whenever he shared a bed with another person who wasn’t his fiancé.

This was why Ben never expected Callum to whisper that he wanted to marry Whitney the night before he was due to. Ben had allowed himself to believe that it would all work out, that Callum would change his mind last minute but had clearly been stupid in doing so. Then again, Ben never claimed to be a genius which was one of the reasons he found himself at the wedding, tucked into the back with Lexi and Lola. The wedding was due to start at eleven and it had just hit eleven thirty, Ben could see Mitch and Stuart up at the front beginning to panicking whilst the rest of the guests just looked curious. A lot of things over the past month had been surprising to Ben, but the fact Callum seemed like a no-show at his own wedding was not one of those things.

As discreetly as he could, Ben slipped from the pew, ignoring Lola’s harsh whisper of his name as he left the room. Whitney was sat outside with Bianca and Tiff, looking like she was doing her damned hardest not to cry while the other two woman comforted her and tried their best to reassure her. Ben moved past them silently.

“Couldn’t find a more adventurous hiding spot?” Ben hummed as he walked into the funeral parlour to see Callum sat behind the desk, his face red from the tears that had obviously been streaming down it. He looked petrified and not at all amused with Ben. “You got a lot of people waiting for you back there,” Ben continued still, walking over to the desk and perching on the edge of it. Callum looked amazing. The suit was perfectly fitted and the colours of it complimented him beautifully, it was a shame really.

“I want to marry her, I do. I’m just scared,” Callum whispered, his hands clearly trembling no matter how much he tried to hide it. “She deserves better. I’ve been cheating on her for the past month and it ain’t right. You deserve better, you shouldn’t have to watch me marry her, it ain’t fair on you,” Callum babbled, his voice cracking halfway through his sentence and Ben shuffled a little closer, taking Callum’s shaking hand to give it a light squeeze.

“You really want to do this?” Ben whispered, knowing that Callum would understand the deeper meaning behind the question. That Ben was asking if Callum wanted to throw away his his whole life, if he wanted to keep living a lie and move on without Ben. Callum nodded and Ben’s breath shook slightly on his next inhale. Ben had no choice but to respect Callum’s decision, even if he truly believed Callum was making the wrong one. “Then here’s what you’re going to do,” Ben stood so that he could pull Callum up out of his chair too. “You’re going to put on a brave face, go out there and marry her. Take a deep breath, this whole situation is messy and it might hurt right now but it ain’t going to be that way forever. You can be happy with Whitney, the way you were before,” Ben didn’t believe his own words as he spoke. Callum was going to live a lie and it wasn’t going to be easy, it was going to be messed up and scary but Ben wasn’t going to beg the man not to get married, he promised himself he’d never do that.

It wasn’t long before Callum had steeled himself, splashed his face with cold water and finally looked ready to go out there and throw away any chance of happiness that he had, to repress everything all over again like he had done years ago. Ben put on his own brave face as he fixed Callum’s tie, his smile wobbling only slightly. “Go get her, tiger,” Ben pressed a kiss to Callum’s cheek. Callum’s laugh was more nervous than excited but still, he left, not once looking over his shoulder at Ben, at his only chance of freedom, as he walked out of the funeral parlour and away from the person he was truly in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was not fun to write after a sad episode and now a sad fic :(((( does this even count as ballum? I sure hope so. Thank you for reading!!!


	7. Day 7: Friend, Please - Twenty One Pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 7 is inspired by Friend, Please by Twenty One Pilots and giving the nature of the song includes a triggering topic, I’ve put a warning here and in the beginning just to be safe, please please be safe while reading any sort of works of fiction ily all x

**(trigger warning for suicidal thoughts)**

_ [living like a ghost, you walk by everyone you know](https://youtu.be/4-Q_0iKNnVM) _

Ben was walking back from having dropped Lexi off at holiday club when he saw Callum perched on one of the swings at the park, not moving, just staring down at the ground in front of him. Ben momentarily felt a wave of déjà vu wash over him as he glanced around, remembering a few months prior when he witnessed Callum trying to hurt himself with a bottle in the exact same place. Only this time there was no bottle present and somehow Callum looked even more empty than he had last time. 

When Callum covered his face and let out a muffled sob, Ben knew that he couldn’t just stand and watch like he had before so he let himself move over to the adjacent swing, settling into it. If there was one thing that got Ben into trouble, it was his damn tongue. “You got a thing for crying in parks in broad daylight, loverboy?” Callum didn’t raise his head from his hands, didn’t even acknowledge Ben. Ben couldn’t stand it when he ignored him like that. “God you look like the worlds coming to an end, chill out. Whatever it is, I’m sure it ain’t that bad,” Ben scoffed. 

“Fuck you,” Callum seethed, Ben couldn’t lie and say that didn’t startle him. He had never heard Callum swear, he had this idillic image of Callum as the sweet, calm boy next door type and Callum was currently trampling all over that. 

“You ought to wash your mouth out with soap, you speak to your fiancé with that mouth?” Alarm bells were ringing in the back of Ben’s mind, telling him to stop being such a prat but he really couldn’t help himself. Teasing and pushing was easier than showing he actually cared. 

“Fuck you,” Callum repeated, the lack of anger making Calum’s voice sound dull and drained. “You’ve ruined everything. Everything. I was fine, up here,” Callum tapped his temple but still didn’t raise his eyes to look at Ben who’s own face was slowly dropping, the smirk falling away. “Fine until you came along. You came along and you fucked it up all over again. I ain’t had thoughts like this since the god damn army,” Callum whispered the last bit like Ben wasn’t supposed to hear but it still made Ben shoot up out of his seat and move to kneel in front of Callum, trying desperately to look into Callum’s eyes that were probably swollen and bloodshot. 

“Thoughts? What kind of thoughts?” Ben asked, his voice hushed. Callum rubbed his hands over his face again in frustration, keeping them there for too long and being silent for too long. “Callum? Take your hands away, please. Answer me,” Ben begged. If Callum was having suicidal thoughts, if Callum was seriously depressed because of Ben, Ben wasn’t sure he would ever forgive himself for the hell that he put Callum through. “You know I ain’t going to out you, not now. Not ever. If you- if what you want is to really move on with Whitney I’ll let you, if it’ll help you. Callum, whatever thoughts you’re having, they’re temporary, you can’t listen to them, please. Please,” Ben knew this would happen. He’d ruined Callum’s life like he had Paul’s. 

“That ain’t it,” Callum growled, angry at himself more than anything by the sounds of it. “I feel so alone. I know I have Whitney and Tiff, I have her family backing me but if-if I come out I lose that. I lose everyone and I really will be alone. But you’re right. Everything you say, it’s right. I’m letting it kill me, I’m keeping everything tied down and it’s killing me. And I ain’t with the hassle, you were right about that too,” it was Callum’s turn to scoff, rolling his eyes and Ben reached to grab Callum’s hand instantly. 

“When did you decide that you’d end up alone? You ain’t a mind reader. You don’t know how Whitney will react. And even if it does go wrong, I ain’t going to give up on you, you have to know that,” Callum sniffled in a desperate attempt to calm himself down, staring at their joined hands. Ben’s hands weren’t soft or too small like Whitney’s, they were rough and calloused from working in the garage and it never felt so right. “I’m selfish, Callum. So if you won’t try to stop the thoughts for yourself, or for Whitney, do it for me. Please, please don’t take your life away from me,” Ben’s voice cracked slightly as Callum’s eyes met his in the middle of the sentence. Callum nodded pathetically, at a loss for words. 

Ben couldn’t fix everything. He couldn’t snap his fingers and put Callum’s mind back together, he couldn’t make Whitney be okay with Callum being gay, but he would try his damned hardest to make sure the man didn’t fall apart. Ben couldn’t fix things but he could stop them from crumbling down completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Another angsty one I’m sorry! Hopefully we’ll get happy times soon!!!x


	8. Day 8: Get Out While You Can - James Bay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 7! Again, inspired by Get Out While You Can by James Bay!

_ [so take your final look at me, maybe even take my hand](https://youtu.be/gJ4gjcTIrB8) _

Callum shocked himself more than he shocked Ben when he went through with the wedding. The night before he had been sleepless, tossing and turning and trying to convince himself that he should go through with it. In the end, Mick and Stuart had given him a pretty convincing pep talk and he allowed himself to get married. Even though he wasn’t sure he believed his own words when he spoke his vows, wasn’t sure he was completely and utterly in love with Whitney like he said he was, Callum couldn’t deny that she was beautiful. She was amazing and she deserved so much more than Callum could give, she deserved someone who wouldn’t lie to her. 

Callum had been nursing the same beer for about two hours, watching people come and go, their celebratory words falling onto deaf ears. The only thing Callum had heard all night was Ben’s words on repeat in his head, telling him that he couldn’t keep the facade up forever, it would only ruin him. Callum had started to believeBen slowly but surely. Ben gave him a chance, told him to get out while he still could and Callum hadn’t listened, he had trapped himself and it was no one’s fault but his own. 

Callum let his eyes wander around the room. Everyone was seemingly having a good time, Whitney was well on her way to drunk, everyone was smiling and laughing apart from the groom who sat there miserable as sin. He should’ve really been trying to act happier. Callum’s gaze stopped on Ben for a little while and he furrowed his eyebrows. He couldn’t quite figure out why Ben was there, why Whitney invited him and he really couldn’t wrap his head around why Ben accepted. To rub it in? To make Callum feel even worse? If that were the case then why hadn’t he looked Callum’s way once all night? Surely he would’ve been making eye contact and flashing that dumb smirk to irk Callum. 

After an hour of more moping and telling people he was just overwhelmed, Callum watched Ben tug his suit jacket back on and make his way towards the exit. It only took about ten seconds before Callum shot out of his seat, following Ben towards the carpark. “Hey, Ben, wait!” Callum called once the man started to climb into his car. Ben paused in his motions, glancing once at Callum before continuing to get into the vehicle. Callum simply tugged open the passenger side door and slid in beside Ben, ignoring the incredulous look. “You uh- you drank in there. You shouldn’t drive him,” Ben scoffed. 

“Actually, Loverboy. Didn’t really fancy getting wasted, can’t imagine why,” Ben’s glare was harsh, cold, and Callum felt himself shrink under it ever so slightly. “Get out of my car, I want to go for a drive,” Ben demanded and Callum felt a burst of confidence rush through him as he reached for Ben’s arm. 

“Take me with you. We can go for a drive together. We can talk about everything, anything, just not about today. Please, Ben. I miss you,” Callum pleaded and Ben just gave Callum a pitiful look. 

“You made your choice, Callum,” Ben whispered. Callum shook his head desperately, feeling frantic, his nerves were shot. He didn’t want those to be the last words Ben spoke to him. 

“I made the wrong choice. It was stupid of me. I shouldn’t have gone through with it. You were right, you’re always right and I pretend that I hate that about you, but I really don’t. Let’s get out of here,” Callum decided, voice firm causing Ben’s eyebrows to shoot up. “We can go. Right now. We can move up north or something, just the two of us,” Callum stared as Ben laughed quietly. 

“You ain’t thinking straight. You’re delirious if you think I’m going to pack up my shit and move away from my daughter for a married man, Callum. You have to fix this on your own now, I can’t help anymore,” Ben sounded like he was regretting every word that came out of his mouth and he removed Callum’s hand from his arm once he was finished. “I’ll be here. When you finally decide enough’s enough, and you do what your heart tells you instead of your head, I’ll be here. There’s no running away from this,” Ben reminded and Callum nodded dumbly 

Without really meaning to, Callum leaned over the console of the car and pressed a faint kiss to Ben’s cheek. “I’ll come to you. I promise,” Callum whispered. With a heavy heart, Callum climbed out of the car and watched Ben drive off. One day, Callum swore to himself, one day Ben would take him along for the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst ahh will any of these ever be happy, why is music so angsty jeez!! Thank you for taking your time to read this and sticking with these!!!


	9. Day 9: M.O.N.E.Y. - The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 9 inspired by M.O.N.E.Y. By The 1975 who are one of my favourite bands, fun fact.

_ [new clothes, bloody nose](https://youtu.be/yRss6RUhsYU) _

Ben promised himself he would never be like his own father. His own father was cruel, mean, favoured alcohol over his own family for most of his life and Ben swore to himself he would never get like that, that he would give Lexi the world because god knows that was what she deserved. She was the sweetest little kid and she deserved a family who loved and cared for her, that was all Ben ever tried to give her. 

That didn’t stop Ben from going out sometimes and getting way too wasted for his own good. Sometimes things got too much for him, piled up too high and he didn’t know how else to deal with it. Lash out or get off his face were his only options and the guilt that came along with lashing out never felt good. Nor did the hangovers but they were at least a little easier to deal with. He was fed up of Callum clouding his mind, of his dad loving everybody except him. Ben was sick and tired of it all and he just wanted a night off. 

Ben had already thrown up twice but had simply picked himself up, brushed himself off and continued sitting at the bar, ordering round after round. “You’ve had enough now, mate. Get yourself home,” the bar tender warned at about 2am. Ben just groaned and stood up, giving him a harsh glare. 

“Dick,” Ben grumbled under his breath and turned, pushing his way through the crowd. He stood on one too many toes, bumped into one too many shoulders and should’ve been expecting the shove he received from someone telling him to watch it. “Fuck you,” Ben spat out, shoving back twice as hard. Normally, if he were sober, he could’ve dodged the punch that came flying towards his face. Instead, in his inebriated state, the man’s fist collided with Ben’s nose, a sickly crunch happening beneath it. Ben stumbled backwards, head spinning as he tried to stop himself from falling to the floor, attempting to throw his own punch instead. 

The pathetic excuse of a fight only lasted for a few moments longer before he felt strong arms pulling him back. At first he tried to argue, kicked and punched like he was being sectioned to a mental asylum rather than just being dragged out of a club, but he soon relaxed when he realised he recognised the cologne of one of the men practically carrying him. Ben tucked his face into the man’s neck. “Callum,” he mumbled. Their was a vague recognition of the fact that there was indeed another person stood right beside Ben but Ben didn’t care, nor did the heat stirring in his gut. 

Once they were out on the pavement, Ben being held up, he smirked at Callum, his eyelids drooping with the weight of the alcohol. “You gonna give me a round two, loverboy?” Ben spoke. Both arms that were wrapped around him tensed. Ben took that as his opportunity to look over at the other person carrying him, grinning when he realised who it was. “Jay!” 

Jay just coughed, raised his eyebrows at Callum and demand that they keep walking. Ben furrowed his eyebrows, unable to figure out what he had done to deserve the cold shoulder from his best mate. “What’re you two doing here?” Ben decided to ask when he got sick of walking in silence. 

“You called Callum. Told him to come and help you, you sounded out of it so I thought I’d come and offer him a hand. Ain’t aware you wanted that sort of help from him,” Jay answered Ben but kept his focus on Callum who was looking anywhere other than into Jay or Ben’s eyes. 

Ben just hummed and let the two of them shove him into a taxi, all but curling up into Callum’s side in the back of the car whilst Jay sat up front. The two of them eventually got them onto the couch at Jay’s house, not wanting to wake everybody over at the Beale’s. “You can go. I’ve got it from here,” Jay dismissed Callum firmly, walking into the kitchen to try and find something that Ben could empty the contents of his stomach into when it inevitably came back up again. Callum hovered awkwardly. 

“You-you ain’t gonna tell Whit are you? I love her I don’t want-“ Jay interrupted Callum by slamming the cupboard door shut, earning nothing but a grumble from Ben on the couch. 

“No. No I ain’t gonna tell her. But I ain’t letting you mess with his head neither alright? If he thinks there’s any chance of a round two, you need to put him straight,” Jay warned. Callum nodded before scuttling out of the house with his head hanging. Jay let out a long sigh and walked over to the couch, sitting on the arm of it right by Ben’s head as he looked down at the sleeping figure. 

Ben had gotten himself into some serious shit and Jay had always been there to pick him up, that wouldn’t ever change. Jay loved Ben, his stupid mistakes included. Even if those stupid mistakes included falling for the resident boy next door. “You fucking idiot,” Jay huffed. With that, Jay leant down and kissed the top of Ben’s head, leaving the sick bucket next to the couch. 

Ben slept like a baby, unaware of the mouthful that both Callum and Jay had ready for him in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to do because the song is about cocaine and money and I refused to bring drugs into this oops. There’s like 0 ballum content in this does this even count? We’ll have cute content on day 11 I promise!!!!


	10. Day 10: Somebody Else - The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry this is late! But day 10 is inspired by Somebody Else by The 1975 (oh two The 1975’s in a row, sorry I’m apparently an angsty teen)

_ [you’re intertwining your soul with somebody else](https://youtu.be/ssF-hrwAHHc) _

“I’m gay,” Callum had whispered one night and Whitney had felt her world crumble around her. The man she trusted, the man she loved, had been lying to her for the past two years just like every other man before him. She couldn’t understand it, couldn’t understand why he would lie for so long and let himself feel so alone. 

Both of them had ended up in tears, Callum apologising desperately and promising that he never meant to hurt her whilst Whitney nodded, trying her hardest to understand. And she did try. She spent days wrapping her head around the whole situation, staring at her engagement ring, she couldn’t find it in her to take it off. Callum had apologised one last time, packed up and moved out the day after his revelation. Whitney had never felt so lonely. 

When she did finally muster up the courage to leave her flat, she decided the Vic would be the best place to go. Mick and Linda wouldn’t ask questions that she didn’t want to answer, they wouldn’t push and even if they did, Whitney would answer. They deserved to know. The Vic felt like a sturdy safe place. 

That was until she walked through the door and found Callum sitting in a booth with Ben looking more than comfortable. For a moment she froze before forcing her legs to walk towards the bar. Linda instantly gave her a curious look, borderline pitying, as her gaze flicked from Callum and then back to Whitney. Whitney shook her head. “It’s okay,” she promised, although it wasn’t, not by a long shot. She felt like it wouldn’t be okay for a very long time. 

Ignoring Callum as well as she could, Whitney sat at the bar nursing a gin and tonic. She could hear Ben laughing at Callum, could hear hushed whispers and quiet words. She didn’t even want to know what was being said, it would turn her stomach even more than it already had been. 

It didn’t feel fair. None of it felt fair. It didn’t feel right, like it was all a stupid dream or Callum had lied to her for some obscure reason. It was hard not to think about the pair of them. Had they been sleeping with each other during the engagement? How long had they been so intimate? Was she really that blind? She’d have to get used to it, she knew that. They lived together in a small area, it wouldn’t be the last time she saw their faces. She had to start getting over it. 

Easier said than done. With one last shaky breath, Whitney stood and turned, leaving the pub briskly. Callum didn’t look twice at her. She hoped that he would be happy, she just wished he could’ve been happy with her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit different, huh! I wanted to try doing this from Whitney’s perspective because I love Whitney and she deserves to be happy like Callum (not that this was at all happy)! Anyway I apologise again for being late with this update but the update later today will be cute I promise! Thank you for reading x


	11. Day 11: The Good, The Bad and The Dirty - Panic! At The Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 11 inspired by The Good, The Bad and The Dirty by Panic! At The Disco (again, angsty teen I’m sorry)

_[i’m going to keep getting underneath you](https://youtu.be/Nu55xS1TdoU)_

Things between Ben and Callum had settled slightly. Ben wouldn’t exactly call what they had an affair, it was just like more overly affectionate friends. Callum was still just as persistent with his straight, fake relationship and Ben respected that as much as he could. Coming out was a personal thing and Callum had to do it in his own time, if he ever decided to that was. 

They still kept everything between them private, they didn’t have casual meetings in the vic or the cafe, they didn’t text much and they didn’t talk about one another to their friends or family. This was why Ben got a little bit of a shock when Callum grabbed his shoulder in the square one day, his smile bright and wide like he had experienced an epiphany of some sort. “What’ve you done?” Ben asked hesitantly, gripping his coffee cup tight enough to burn. A feeling that resembled hope flared up in his stomach and Ben did his best to quash it down. 

“Teach me to fight,” Callum blurted out and Ben’s first response was to laugh, almost bending in half with the force of it. Callum narrowed his eyes at Ben’s reaction. “What? What’s so funny about that?” Callum demanded and Ben shoved his shoulder. 

“You! Learning how to fight. Loverboy, you ain’t a fighter. You ain’t got it in you,” Ben shrugged before walking away, not expecting Callum to grab his arm tightly. Ben raised his eyebrows. 

“Take me to a boxing ring. Teach me to fight, Ben. Please. You’re good at it, you can hold your own. I can’t hurt a fly because I ain’t been taught to. You could teach me,” Callum continued, staring at Ben with those damn eyes that killed him every time. Callum knew exactly what he was doing. 

The puppy dog eyes were how they ended up in an empty gym together. Ben had insisted on going at night. Since the man was completely clueless about fighting, Ben taped Callum’s hands up for him before slapping the gloves onto the man’s fists. Ben gave him a peck on the cheek before standing to his full height and clambering up into the ring. “Come on then, loverboy. Show me what you got,” Ben catcalled, adding a whistle for effect on the end of it. 

Callum’s first few punches were pathetic, weak, and Ben made a mental list of everything that needed corrected, mentioning them gently as they circled around the ring, Callum’s technique getting better as the gloves slapped roughly against the pads. “Good!” Ben praised when a particularly hard punch caught Ben off guard and had him stumbling backwards. 

“Can we-“ Callum panted. “Take a break maybe? You’re killing me here,” Callum all but whined and Ben found himself chuckling as he took the gloves from Callum, letting them fall to the floor as he wound his arms around Callum’s waist. 

“Thought you had stamina?” Ben was cocky with his words as he kissed a path up Callum’s neck. His skin was slightly salty with sweat. Callum flushed instantly at Ben’s words and Ben found himself smirking. Getting under Callum’s skin was his favourite past time.

As they were sat on the bench, Callum gulping down water like a starved man, Ben bumped their shoulders together in a light touch. Light touches were still new to Ben but he savoured them every time they happened. “Hey, why you fighting anyway? Got something to prove?” Ben asked. Callum hadn’t shown any signs of being interested in fighting, he was too sweet for that. Callum just shrugged. The only telltale sign that he was lying was the way he dodged Ben’s eyes desperately, Callum never did that. “What’s up, Halfway? Cat got your tongue?” Ben was persistent if nothing else. 

“I want to protect you alright?” Callum huffed out. “You scrap like a god damn alley cat and I want to be there to help. I don’t want to stand by and watch or let you get beat to a pulp. I weren’t lying when I said you can hold your own, it’s just- you ain’t got to,” Callum rambled, taking Ben’s hand seemingly without meaning to during it. Ben felt gobsmacked. 

He wanted to argue, wanted to tell Callum that was bullshit and that Callum shouldn’t have to fight on behalf of Ben but truth be told it felt nice. It felt nice to have someone in his corner, someone looking out for him and having his back. It felt like an actual partnership, the way Callum was so desperate to look after Ben and make sure he wasn’t hurt. So instead of arguing, he tapped Callum on the ass as he walked back towards the ring. 

Callum was willing to risk his own safety to ensure Ben’s and Ben was going to do everything in his capability to make sure it never got to that stage. Never again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of cute. A break from all the tears and panic attacks in this work, jeez. We will probably return to our regular scheduling of angst very soon as I’m apparently incapable of writing fluff based off songs but hey, blame the songs not me! I hope you enjoyed!!! See you tomorrow, lovelies.


	12. Day 12: Some Nights - Fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is inspired by a song which gives me massive amounts of nostalgia, Some Nights by Fun.

_ [i still wake up, i still see your ghost](https://youtu.be/qQkBeOisNM0) _

Callum hated talking about his time in the army. It wasn’t as though his memories were all bad, of course not. He had memories with mates having a laugh, the army wasn’t all doom and gloom 100% of the time but talking about it made him feel weak, like a coward. Rather than go back when he had been cleared to, he made up some stupid lie to get out of it because he was scared. He had seen too much and he couldn’t go back there, not again. Instead, he stayed at home with Whitney living a lie. 

Since he didn’t talk about his army days, not with anybody, it also meant he rarely talked about his army friends. There had been a few of them, your average soldier who liked to tease and poke fun and then there had been Chris. 

Chris who had come along and muddled up Callum’s head but stolen Callum’s heart so easily. Before going to the army, before meeting Chris, he was sure that he could play the straight man. Then Chris had been so lovely to him, so welcoming, and Callum hadn’t missed the gentle shoulder touches or the delicate touches of hands when nobody else was looking, Callum knew he was screwed from that moment onwards. 

It had scared him, the knowledge that he was gay. Sure he had felt the rising suspicions when he was younger but he had tamped them down and bottled them up. With Chris there was no denying it and that had terrified Callum to the core. So he did the only thing he knew how to and he ran. He wrote Chris a letter when he got home, apologising and explaining his fear before never contacting the man again, the hat that belonged to Chris staying tucked firmly in the back of the wardrobe. 

That was until Vicky had come along and told Callum that her brother was dead. Static had filled Callum’s ears for a moment, everything around him going slightly blurry as he apologised and walked from the room. She followed. Callum sat and listened to everything Vicky had to say, knowing full well that she was aware of the fact that he was ‘H’ but still too much of a coward to admit anything. 

Callum went to the memorial, stood tensely in the back like he had no business being there. He could only hope he hadn’t broke broke Chris’s heart when he left as much as he had broken his own. Without saying a word to Vicky or the rest of the clearly distressed family members, Callum took the cowards way out again and left to go home. He couldn’t face Whitney, not at that very moment in time so he sat in the office of the funeral parlour for a little, staring down at the desk. Chris was a good man. He didn’t deserve it. 

Minutes or hours could’ve passed before someone walked in, Callum couldn’t have told you, he had lost track of time. Sluggishly, he raised his head when he heard a voice. “Jay? Are you in here? Mate I-“ Ben stopped when he saw Callum and his face dropped slightly. Callum must’ve been crying, he hadn’t realised. “Are you okay?” Ben asked dumbly. He wasn’t sure what to say. “Is this about your dad?” Hesitantly, Ben made his way over to the desk, perching on it in front of Callum who shook his head roughly. 

“A mate of mine died. Army mate,” Callum muttered, his voice raw and cracked. Ben’s eyes seemed to soften considerably. 

“Shot?” Callum shook his head again as his shoulders dropped slightly, his hands falling uselessly into his lap. 

“Car crash,” Callum whispered. The frustration had been building up all day and Callum scrubbed at his eyes angrily. “I should’ve been there. I should’ve been there with him. He died alone and he shouldn’t have,” Callum hissed out, rambling in a desperate attempt to let out some of his pent up irritation. Ben furrowed his eyebrows. 

“C’mon, Callum. It ain’t your fault, you can’t blame yourself. You weren’t the one driving the car. You don’t need to feel guilty,” Ben rested a hand on Callum’s shoulder but Callum was quick to shove it off, standing abruptly and causing the chair to fall backwards with the force of it. 

“You don’t get it! I should’ve been there. I should’ve went back to the stupid army and told him I loved him, we should’ve came home together. I should’ve been in that car,” Callum’s outburst died down by the end, his voice nothing more than a whisper. Ben’s mouth dropped a little but he said nothing, simply pulling Callum into a hug instead. Callum let himself sob into Ben’s shoulder, gripping onto the back of the man’s jacket tightly. 

As Callum babbled nonsensical words filled with guilt and anguish, Ben shushed him like he would do with Lexi, rubbing his own hands up and down Callum’s back slowly. “I’m sure he knew, you wear your heart on your sleeve without realising. I’m sure he knew you loved him,” Ben murmured softly to Callum. 

Ben hadn’t lied, Callum did wear his heart on his sleeve but only for the people who were worthy of seeing it. Ben was sure that Callum’s friend knew of Callum’s love only because Ben himself was currently looking into Callum’s eyes seeing the same look the man would’ve worn for Chris. A beautiful sort of adoration that was filled with nothing but love. Callum was bad at pretending, he couldn’t hide his love if he tried. And Ben was slowly losing the fight to hide his own love for the man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say how perfect today’s song was for today’s episode. I literally planned this plot on the 1st of August for this song so tonight’s episode just gave me a name for the army friend and helped solidify my plot. Thank you for reading!


	13. Day 13: Human - Rag’n Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song used to be massive and got so overplayed, but still slaps. Human by Rag’n’Bone Man who has an awesome voice.

_ [are you deceived in what you believe?](https://youtu.be/L3wKzyIN1yk) _

Ben had been extremely grateful that Callum had actually listened to him and was keeping his distance, even if Ben hadn’t meant the words he spoke. 

It wasn’t that Ben didn’t think Callum wasn’t worth the hassle, he was just sick of doing all of the chasing. He was fed up, and he wanted to clear his head of Callum for a little while, to actually think of other things besides the man. It wasn’t working all of the time but Ben’s head was a little less clouded now that Callum was keeping away. Ben didn’t feel exhausted trying to keep up with him constantly. 

Ben was in the cafe alone when all of that came shattering down. Callum slid into the seat opposite Ben completely uninvited and Ben raised his eyebrows slightly, placing his mug onto the table. “Excuse me?” Ben huffed out. Callum looked around the cafe as though people actually cared enough about him to spy on his conversations before leaning forwards on the table, his own eyes narrowed in on Ben. 

“Why’d you lie for?” Callum demanded. “I get that this was all some sick twisted game to you but there weren’t no need to lie to me,” Callum’s fists curled, clearly upset and angry although Ben couldn’t figure out for the life of him what he had done to aggravate Callum so much. 

“Calm down, Halfway. What do you mean? I ain’t lied to you, we ain’t even talked in about two weeks,” Ben leant back in his seat, his hands still curled around his mug of tea to avoid doing something stupid like touching Callum’s hand gently to try and soothe him. God, they hadn’t been around each other for more than two minutes and the Callum shaped clouds in Ben’s mind were already making a reappearance. 

“No. Not now. Not recently. Back in E20, you lied. You said some stupid shit that brought back all these feelings, and it was all lies. You brought back feelings that were gone, feelings I don’t need or want,” Callum was staring at Ben like Ben had just ran over his puppy. It was a mix of sadness and confusion lined with frustration. He seemed more upset than angry but didn’t want to seem weak by admitting he was hurt. 

“What feelings? The gay feelings?” Ben fake gasped, holding a hand to his chest as he whispered the words back, pretending to be affronted. Callum didn’t seem amused, his jaw working like it was taking physical restraint not to hit Ben. Ben took pity on him. “Look. I didn’t lie to you, not then. I see you,” Ben repeated, his voice much more firm with the words than he had been last time. “The issue here is you don’t see yourself. You can’t put the blame on me. These feelings, the ones I apparently caused? They were never going to stay away, Callum. You’re a human. You can’t stop this,” Ben warned. He was getting sick of warning Callum about the risks of hiding his sexuality. Ben’s words caused Callum to deflate in his seat, scrubbing his palms over his face. Ben softened slightly. He really could see how broken Callum was becoming. “I can’t solve your problems, only you can do that,” Callum nodded and went to stand and leave, having heard enough. Ben grabbed his hand. 

Callum looked confused for a brief moment before looking down at Ben, his touch alone feeling so calming it cut right through the pent up rage. “Do me a favour though yeah? Start with yourself, don’t worry about what others will think. Find yourself before trying to show others,” Ben practically begged. He had accumulated some sort of feelings for Callum and he refused to see the man break himself with his own mind. Ben had been there and he vouched to do everything he could to make sure the same never happened to Callum. He only wished he had someone looking out for him when he was in Callum’s shoes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so tired!!! This one was delayed because of university stress but hey! I got in. It’s been a long day but I’m going to try and post 14 and 15 I swear. Thank you for reading!!!


	14. Day 14: Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact I first heard Breakaway on Glee because I’m actual Glee trash but it’s a really great song plot twist.

_ [i’ll spread my wings and i’ll learn how to fly](https://youtu.be/c-3vPxKdj6o) _

Whitney had gone away for the weekend, something to do with the wedding venue but Ben hadn’t really been listening when Callum had been explaining, and Ben had found himself in Callum’s floral room, tucked under the sheets with him. The weekend together had been nice, the mood only dampening slightly when Callum would catch a glimpse of a photo of Whitney and would turn white with guilt. Ben elected to ignore it. 

It was late Saturday night, or early Sunday morning depending on how you looked at it, and Callum was laying on Ben’s chest, enjoying the way Ben’s fingers were pushing through his hair slowly. “Callum?” He just hummed in acknowledgment. “Why are you so scared of telling people? Ain’t this nice? Don’t you want this?” Ben whispered. He didn’t consider himself an insecure man but around Callum all of his smallest doubts and worries came out tenfold. He just wanted to be enough for Callum. 

“I don’t want to hurt Whit,” Callum murmured back but his body went rigid on top of Ben’s, like he hadn’t been expecting the question. Like he was scared of the question. 

“Besides from that?” Ben was sure that wasn’t the only thing holding Callum back and Ben was desperate to know more, mainly for his own selfish reasons so he could help get Callum on the right track and finally stop being the side bitch. He hated being the side bitch. “Why didn’t you come out before finding Whitney?” Ben pondered, keeping his voice light in a desperate attempt to not cause offence. 

Callum finally looked up at Ben, placing his chin on Ben’s chest before shrugging slightly. “I didn’t know back then?” The words came out more like a question than a statement and all Ben could do was raise his eyebrows. Callum let out a defeated sigh but Ben just kept up with the gentle strokes through his hair, trying to soothe Callum and let him know it was okay to continue in his own time. Ben has asked the question and he would wait patiently until Callum was ready to share the answer. 

They sat in silence for about five minutes before Callum finally let out a defeated sigh, his shoulders sagging only slightly. “It was just, everything when I was a kid you know? My dad. He was awful, cruel to me and even worse to Stuart. He would call me a princess, a ponce, and Stuart would jump in and defend me, promise him that I wasn’t gay. God, I didn’t even know the meaning of the damn word,” Callum’s eyes had drifted from Ben’s to stare at the wall instead, his gaze harsh, the memory of his childhood clearly pissing him off and Ben could understand why. “He would hide me in the bedroom and take a beating for defending me. When I grew up, I just felt like if I was gay, if I told people I was gay, then everything that happened to Stuart would have been for nothing. I let my brother get hurt for defending me, for defending a lie,” Callum whispered and Ben let out a large sigh of his own, pressing a kiss to the top of Callum’s head. 

“You can’t blame yourself for that. Like you said, you were too young and it weren’t your fault, it still ain’t your fault alright?” Callum didn’t seem to acknowledge Ben’s words. “Jonno is a horrible scumbag, but you can’t let him control your life anymore,” Callum continued to stay quiet so Ben tucked his free hand behind his own head and lay back, his other hand drawing patterns on Callum’s side as he started speaking gentle words of encouragement to fill the silence. 

“When you were a kid, didn’t you ever dream of running away? Breaking away from it all, being free. Now’s your chance, loverboy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still behind. I lied and didn’t post 14 and 15 yesterday because I fell asleep at like 11pm. Hopefully 15 and 16 will also be posted tonight. Thank you for putting up with my delays and thank you for all of your kind words, you guys are the best <3333


	15. Day 15: All The Stars - Kendrick Lamar ft SZA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song goes hard and Black Panther was an amazing movie I loved it so much. Enjoy!

_ [i did it all ‘cause it feels good ](https://youtu.be/JQbjS0_ZfJ0) _

Ben had sprung a spontaneous night out upon Jay. The man had protested at first, complained he had work in the morning but Ben had begged and pressed a little more until the pair of them were sat in E20, both with a bottle of beer in their hands as they sat together in a booth.

The night had been running smoothly, it had been relaxing and just what Ben had needed to take his mind off everything. That lasted until Callum walked into the club looking insanely uncomfortable in his own skin whilst his fiancé walked beside him, beaming like she couldn’t even see Callum’s stiff posture or uncomfortable grimace. She probably couldn’t, she was so deluded she hardly realised the fact that Callum couldn’t seem less interested in her most of the time. 

“Invite him over here instead of just staring, will you?” Jay muttered and Ben felt affronted for a brief moment. Of course Jay had his suspicions, they were too close for him not to realise something was up. Ben just smirked and abandoned their table in favour of trying to get a rise out of Callum. He didn’t mean to, not really, it was just fun to see Callum fluster and blush like he did so often. 

“Hey, Lovebirds,” Ben cooed at the pair of them and Whitney let out her little giggle as Callum’s eyes rolled practically into the back of his skull. “You take your drinks over yeah? Callum can wait here with me while I order some more drinks for myself and Jay over there,” Whitney followed Ben’s instruction without preamble, taking her own fruity cocktail and Callum’s beer over to the table. “You want to watch that eye rolling, they’ll get stuck there next time,” the warning came out with a slight snicker as he leant against the bar. 

“What do you want?” Callum demanded which caused Ben to pout a little whilst giving Callum’s hip a gentle bump with his own. 

“Ain’t allowed to speak to my buddy now?” At Callum’s glare that begged him to stop being a prat, Ben huffed and folded his arms on top of the bar. “You love Whitney right?” Callum scoffed and nodded, a lot like how he had done that night when Ben had been drunk. “So how is it? Is it everything you thought it would be? Swooning and sighing whenever you’re around her? Or do you need more? Expect more?” Callum seemed at a loss for words as Ben straightened himself up. The fact that he was shorter than Callum even when he was stood to his full height was annoying, Callum exuded this soft, fragile personality so he always came across as a lot shorter than he actually was. “You can argue with me all you like. You can shout at me again, you can threaten me again, but you’ll never be able to just tell me the truth,” after his little rant, Ben didn’t really feel up to sticking around and drinking for much longer, not if he had to do it around Callum and his fiancé. The entire situation had frustrated Ben more than he thought it would, more than it had the right to. 

Before he left, Ben stepped into Callum’s space, leaning up slightly to whisper into his ear. “If you’re ready for round two, you’ll know where to find me,” Ben gave Callum’s cheek a light pat before turning and walking out of the club. 

The next morning when Whitney would ask Callum what he had gotten up to last night, Callum knew he would flounder trying to make up some dumb excuse. But in the moment when he felt free and completely enveloped by Ben Mitchell, feeling like he was finally living his life, it was more than worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I seriously thought I posted this last night but it mustn’t have saved! My bad! Not to worry though, chapter 16 and 17 will also definitely be posted today, mark my words.


	16. Day 16: Got To Get You Into My Life - The Beatles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got To Get You Into My Life is such an adorable little song I love it so much!!!

_ [you were meant to be near me](https://youtu.be/r95-7zfgtLw) _

That night had felt magic, it had felt electric and Callum had felt alive for the first time since the army, for the first time since Chris. It wasn’t fair on Whitney to continue trying to play her like he was, and it wasn’t exactly fair on Callum to continue trying to be sometime he wasn’t. 

The kiss that they had shared felt passionate and real, nothing like what he had with Whitney. Maybe in the beginning there had been some sort of resemblance to that unique feeling but it was gone completely now, shattered and everything that Callum felt for Whitney was dull and lifeless, even if Callum tried to kid himself and claim that wasn’t the case. 

Callum had been up all night with that moment replaying in his head, the way Ben had stood a foot away to try and give him a sliver of personal space but had still placed a hand on his cheek in a desperate attempt to show some sort of affection. It had felt real, everything Ben had said that night had felt real and his words wouldn’t leave Callum’s mind or heart. 

Which was why when Whitney had asked what was going on the next morning, Callum made the rash decision not to lie anymore, he’d do anything to feel what he had felt last night, only completely guilt free this time. “Whit, we cant do this anymore, I can’t do this anymore,” Callum whispered, ignoring the twinge in his heart that occurred when she began to sob, claiming that she would try to understand the reasoning behind Callum’s lies, his fears about accepting his sexuality, but it didn’t make processing the whole situation any easier on her. 

The pang that Callum had felt hadn’t been because he loved Whitney, or because he felt like he was making a mistake. It had simply been because of the fact that he still cared for Whitney, and it hurt to know that he had been the cause behind such distress. Upsetting Whitney had never been something that Callum had ever planned to do. 

Even though his heart felt slightly heavy as he left Whitney crying in their flat, or rather her flat now, Callum felt a weight lifting off his shoulders whilst he made his way to the cafe. He would see Ben afterwards and tell him what was going on. 

Callum’s plan was interrupted when he saw Jay and Ben sat across from each other. Jay looked less than amused at whatever cocky shit was falling from Ben’s lips but Ben himself looked rather smug, the smirk only slipping slightly when he made eye contact with Callum. Jay huffed and stood, patting Callum on the back as he made his way out onto the square. “See you at work, yeah?” Callum hummed in acknowledgement before taking his tea and making his way over to Ben. 

“I broke up with her,” Callum didn’t seem to be able to stop himself from blurting it out once he sat in Jay’s abandoned seat, his own eyes widening along with Ben’s. He always put his damn foot in his mouth. 

“Beg your pardon?” Ben questioned whether he had heard right or was just going insane and was starting to hallucinate. The later seemed more likely. 

“Whitney, I broke up with her. Last night,” Callum shook his head, effectively interrupting himself. There was no way of putting last night into words so Callum didn’t even bother trying to. “I was alone, I felt so lonely. I didn’t know how things were going to feel when you kissed me but I wanted it again. I still do, want it again that is. It’s like,” Callum huffed at a loss for words again and Ben just simply placed his hand on top of Callum’s, smiling encouragingly. It was a nice sight to see, different from his usual arrogant, conceited smile but nice. 

“You did the right thing. For yourself, not for anyone else. You’ll be happier like this,” Ben promised, keeping his voice gently to make sure nobody would overhear. Callum knew that was Ben’s way of following through on his promise to keep quiet about the whole being gay thing until Callum was ready for the whole world to know. 

“When I’m with you it’s like, I want to stay there,” Callum mustered up the courage to mumble the words and Ben simply nodded, giving Callum’s hand a squeeze. 

Ben understood, only because he felt exactly the same way. He had finally started to feel something for someone for the first time since Paul, and he wasn’t complaining at all. In fact, he was welcoming the warm feeling with open arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not too sure on this one. I had a brief plan but I’m not sure if I executed it the way I wanted to. Anyhow, thank you again for sticking around and reading! ‘Halfway’ there!!!


	17. Day 17: Primadona - Marina and the Diamonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve loved Marina since I was about 12 she’s my biggest celebrity crush ever I think, honestly she’s amazing.

_ [you can count on me to misbehave](https://youtu.be/Gj5L9SYhoSE) _

Ben never exactly went about his day planning on making Callum’s life difficult, it just happened sometimes and Ben didn’t try to stop it purely because of the fact it was fun. Making Callum squirm was quickly becoming one of Ben’s favourite pastimes. 

When Ben walked into the undertakers, 90% of the time it was to see Jay and ask him something or just to spend some time around him, but it ended with Ben teasing at Callum and poking fun at the man more times than not. On one particular day when he walked into the back office, Callum was down on one knee, clearly having dropped something but Ben saw it as an open opportunity to entertain himself. 

“I appreciate the offer, really, I do. But you’re going to need a ring with a lot more diamonds on it if you want to get me to say yes,” Callum ignored Ben, rolling his eyes instead as he picked up a roll of tape that had fallen off the desk and rolled underneath it. “Hey, is that anyway to treat the man you just got down on one knee for?” Ben put on the most dramatic fake pout he could manage, resting his ass on the edge of the table. 

“What do you want Ben? I’m busy, Jay is sick so I’m here myself today. I’ve got three clients coming in this afternoon and I haven’t fini-“ Ben interrupted Callum by grabbing his tie and pulling him in for a kiss, planting his lips firmly on the taller man’s. The grip on his tie never once relented. 

“Stop being so boring, I’m bored. C’mon, Whitney’s out ain’t she? I saw her out there. We could go upstairs, have some fun,” Ben mumbled the words against Callum’s mouth, fingers working their way to Callum’s buttons. Each button was popped slowly and Callum didn’t stop Ben until his shirt was halfway undone but still tucked into his pants. Ben did not whine when Callum grabbed his wrist to halt the movements, he didn’t. “What’s wrong? You weren’t complaining yesterday if my memory serves me correctly,” Ben’s mouth stayed tipped up at the corners, his smirk almost a permanent feature around Callum now. 

“You’re such a brat. You think you can just waltz in here and get whatever you want. Some people have actual work to do, Ben,” Callum reminded, taking a step back. As he done so, he began buttoning up his shirt again and Ben huffed. What could he do to really distract Callum from his work? It was go big or go home, right?

All of this started as some game, but when Ben was around Callum he couldn’t help but want more and when Callum didn’t give Ben what he wanted, Ben got frustrated. Callum had a point. Ben acted like the biggest brat around Callum. 

In a desperate attempt to get Callum’s attention again, Ben sat on the desk entirely before laying back on it, over all of the paperwork and the files, staring up at Callum through hooded lashes. “You’re boring, Callum Highway,” even though Ben felt desperate, he didn’t want to sound that way. The key to keeping Callum interested was to keep him on him toes, leave him wandering and wanting. “Now, since you really don’t want me here, I’ll be on my way,” Ben could see the resolve in Callum’s eyes slipping slightly, just like it always did. “My house is empty. I’ll wait for you, loverboy,” Ben sat up and smacked one more kiss to Callum’s mouth before leaving.

The clatter of drawers being opened and slammed shut behind him and the clunk of the desk chair falling to the ground when it was pushed back too abruptly let Ben know that he had won. He got what he wanted, all because he asked for it. Ben had Callum wrapped around his little finger and the power had never felt so good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You marked my words and I lied, I didn’t post 17 yesterday. Again, I’m not super proud of this one just because I feel like I couldn’t really make ballum fit in the song as well as I wanted to! Thank you for reading still! You’re all the best ilysm


	18. Day 18: Sad Song - We the Kings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I discovered this song way back in my emo phase but it’s still a really wholesome song tbh

_ [stop time right here in the moonlight](https://youtu.be/BZsXcc_tC-o) _

Callum had been shaking when he left E20. Whether it was with rage or nerves, he wasn’t too sure. He also wasn’t entirely sure what convinced Callum to follow Ben in the first place. Maybe it was how truthful his words had sounded, how open and vulnerable Ben had let himself be in front of Callum. Callum felt the need to return that somehow. 

Instead of that, everything had went south quickly. His mouth had ran without his mind and the way that Ben was standing as though he couldn’t care less, the bored ‘you think I’m scared?’ had infuriated Callum even more than he already had been. 

“Go on, hit me. Not like you ain’t done it before,” Callum filled up with feelings akin to guilt and horror at the realisation that Ben was right. Ben hadn’t done anything wrong, not really. He had tried to help in his own way and he had been kind tonight, lovely in fact. Ben had tried to make Callum feel safe and welcome and all Callum was doing in return was threatening him. Callum’s vision blurred as his eyes welled with tears seemingly on their own accord. 

“People like me? It’s what people like you do,” in that moment, Callum saw it. He saw someone just as lonely and lost as himself, someone who needed something to hang to before they crashed and burned. Upsetting Ben, hurting Ben, suddenly seemed like such a foreign idea. 

The next words out of Callum’s mouth came tumbling out before he could even try to process them. Ben had been honest with him back in E20 and he deserved the same from Callum. “I’m so tired, of feeling lonely,” Callum sobbed out, tears rolling down his cheeks at a steady rate. The look that Ben had in his eyes back in the club had returned, Callum wanted to shy away from it as much as he wanted Ben to continue looking at him like that forever. 

The words Ben had spoken earlier had been surprising enough, so the gentle hand on his cheek, the slow swipe of a tear, was even more surprising. Callum welcomed the touch with open arms, leaning into it slightly. It was so different to what Callum normally felt. It was light and careful, like applying too much pressure would break Callum, but it was what Callum felt he needed. 

When they first shared a kiss, multiple different feelings coursed through Callum. The first was guilt, quickly followed and covered up by a burning desire in his gut that was fuelling the passion he felt. It was that same burning feeling that gave Callum the confidence to lean in for a second time, his quivering fingers flying over Ben’s clothes like he was aching for skin on skin contact. 

Ben only let the moment go on for about fifteen minutes before pulling back, placing a light kiss on Callum’s cheek instead. “Make up your mind first. Decide what you want, decide who you are. Then we can get back to this,” Ben at least looked apologetic as he backed away, like he didn’t want to leave but knew it was for the best 

All of a sudden, Callum felt broken again. Like he was half of a whole. With Ben’s lips on his, Ben’s hands on his body, Callum had felt alive, he had felt like he had no fears. Now Ben was gone, the fear came crashing back down tenfold and it had left Callum shaking with leftover adrenaline and shock. Ben was right, he would have to decide who he was, and Ben had helped Callum make up his mind. With Ben, Callum felt like himself for the first time in a long time, and he would be an idiot to pass that up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter?! ON TIME?! What is this madness!!! 
> 
> Again, thank you! This one was a bit different based off like an actual episode but the song fit so I went with it!


	19. Day 19: R U Mine? - Arctic Monkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m a fake arctic monkeys stan I literally only listen to r u mine and why’d you only call me when you’re high lmao

_ [wished away entire lifetimes](https://youtu.be/ngzC_8zqInk) _

“And to be honest, you ain’t worth the hassle,” with Ben’s words, Callum felt the blood pumping through his veins turn almost ice cold, his gut wrenching in a way that wasn’t familiar, a feeling he couldn’t name even if he tried to. Standing there and watching Ben walk away seemed like all Callum could do, he felt frozen to the spot. When he eventually regained enough composure to begin walking in the opposite direction back to the Undertakers, his mind screamed at him to turn around and follow Ben, to apologise and beg Ben to take his words back. Callum ignored it. 

Callum felt like he lived the rest of his day in a sleep like trance. Recently, he had been going to bed early, often before Whitney. It meant that Whitney wouldn’t snuggle up close and whisper a quiet request for a cuddle, it meant Callum didn’t have to hug his fiancé and feel like his skin crawl.

Satisfaction felt like a distant memory.The night he shared with Ben was burned into his mind, the kisses they shared, the touches they shared, everything playing on repeat over and over. It made being around Whitney difficult when the guilt he felt would consume him entirely. It wasn’t like he was in control of it. Don’t you think he would stop thinking about Ben if he could? 

The fear that coursed through Calum when he thought of Ben giving up on him entirely was the only thing that was driving Callum the next morning. He had steeled himself up to walk up to the car lot and demand Ben’s attention with all of the confidence one man could carry. Instead he looked sheepish and uncomfortable as he knocked on the door. The knock was so light, Callum wouldn’t be surprised if Ben mistook it for a slight breeze. 

“Come in,” if anybody asked, Callum would deny the fact that he felt like turning and running. After only a split second of deliberation, Callum decided he had been a coward one too many times in his life and this was a chance to regain a sliver of happiness, even if that sliver was wrapped in a massive wad of sin and wrongfulness. When Callum pushed open the door, he tried not to let his gut sink at the eye roll he received from Ben. “What? Ain’t you got better things to be doing?” Ben demanded, looking back down at his paperwork like Callum had just been a minor inconvenience. 

“No. No I want to prove to you I am worth the hassle,” Callum didn’t know where he was mustering the courage from to even open his mouth. “When I’m around you it’s like- I lose track of everything. Of time, space, I lose myself, in the best way possible. I’m not ready to give that up, I’m not ready to let you give that up,” Ben still didn’t raise his eyes so Callum dared to take a step closer, fingers dancing on the edge of the desk. “I thought the chase was fun when it was you doing the work, now the roles reversed, it ain’t so fun,” Callum’s voice dropped to an almost whisper as he spoke, terrified he was being too forward. The words had at least caused Ben to stop writing, although his knuckles were turning white around the pen. 

“What’re you getting at?” The steeliness behind Ben’s voice shocked Callum for a moment, Ben had been harsh and mean but Callum had never heard him so cold before. Quite frankly, he never wanted to hear that tone from Ben again. 

“We could give it another go? I know that I’ll be cheating on Whitney and that ain’t fair on her, she don’t deserve that, but I ain’t ready to tell her yet and I’m not letting go of this, Ben. Please, you have to understand. You give me a space to feel free, I ain’t had that in a long time,” Callum’s fear was evident in his voice. He was scared Ben would say no, scared he’d have to go back to his lonely reality and there would be nothing he could do about it. 

“I have one question,” Ben finally put his pen down in favour of folding his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair as he looked up at Callum. Callum tried not to gulp at the wolf-like gaze that Ben held. “Are you mine?” Callum’s eyebrows shot up before furrowing. He shook his head with confusion. 

“I don’t-“

“Simple yes or no answer here, Halfway. Are you mine?” Ben repeated, sounding like he was already done and bored with the conversation. Callum flustered as he really tried to think about the question. Callum felt like he was Ben’s, Ben made him happy, made a feeling in his chest and gut flare in a way that nobody else did. But he also knew he had Whitney. He was Whitney’s fiancé, Whitney’s soon to be husband. 

“No,” Callum whispered and Ben let out a sigh as he picked up his pen again, rubbing across his forehead. That hadn’t been the answer he wanted, but had been the answer he was expecting, clearly. 

“That’s what I thought, come back to me when you change your mind,” Ben’s dismissal was so casual, Callum practically stumbled out of the cabin and back into the street. 

Rejection wasn’t something that Callum thought would happen. He had really believed Ben wanted him just as bad. As he walked home, his mind was racing a mile a minute. Ben deserved better than to keep his love a secret, it was selfish of Callum to assume Ben would happily start living a lie again just for Callum. Callum promised himself that one day he would return to Ben and he would be able to confidently answer ‘yes’. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as I catch up I fall behind again. In my defence I had this wrote out last night but felt too tired to accurately proof read it.


	20. Day 20: When I Get You Alone - Robin Thicke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally I hate Robin Thicke and the version of this on my phone that came on shuffle was the glee cover again, oops?

_ [‘cause you shook that room like a star](https://youtu.be/VQSbIzfcURs) _

Ben wasn’t sure what he was doing, in all honesty. If it weren’t for the fact it was him in the situation rather than someone else, he would’ve found it hilarious, wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from laughing at the poor sod. 

As it was, it was him sat in the pub with the man he was 90% sure he was in love with on said man’s stag do, not anybody else. Callum was well on his way to wasted, and Ben was feeling a pleasant buzz himself. Stuart brought over another round of shots which had Callum laughing and shaking his head, claiming he’d had enough, no more. Still, it didn’t take long to convince Callum to have one last shot, Ben accepted one for himself too. 

All night, Ben’s heart had been racing and he had felt his blood pulsing through his veins, the heat of it making him uncomfortable in his own skin. The looks that Callum kept throwing him certainly weren’t helping. Ben wasn’t sure that Callum even realised what he was doing, but the soon-to-be husband kept looking at Ben through his lashes, letting his gaze linger for a little too long, letting it drift a little too low. Never in his life had Ben been so flustered. 

Now, Ben hadn’t exactly been to many stag dos in his life, he never had the friends to do so, but he was fairly certain that the groom wasn’t supposed to be left on his own by the end of the night. Somehow, people had filtered out of the pub, wishing Callum good luck and clapping him on the back, Callum hardly seemed to register it. Eventually, it was only Ben and Callum left in the pub, Mick having left locking up to Callum which was probably a mistake on his part considering how inebriated Callum had been. “Meant to be stopping here tonight,” Callum whispered, close enough that Ben could feel the breath on the side of his neck. He repressed a shiver. 

“Meant to be?” Ben suddenly felt more sober than he had been all night. As the seats around him had cleared up, Callum had shifted closer and closer until they were sharing the same air, their thighs touching despite how unnecessary it was for Callum to be so close. 

“Don’t really fancy kipping on Mick and Linda’s sofa. Was thinking you could take me home instead,” Ben snorted a bit in a desperate attempt to hold back a choking sound that nearly forced its way up. Callum’s hand was moving slowly up Ben’s thigh and Jesus, when had Callum become so ballsy? Well, you know what they say about alcohol, liquid courage and all that shit. 

“You’re drunk. You’ll regret this in the morning, I ain’t doing fuck all with you when you’re drunk,” Ben warned. He had been in Callum’s shoes one too many times, woken up in a stranger’s bed with a sore body and no memory of the night before. It was terrifying, and Ben wouldn’t do that to Callum, wouldn’t do it to anybody. 

“I ain’t drunk anymore. I was, before. But not anymore. I just want this, Ben, want you,” before Ben could argue, Callum latched onto Ben’s neck, undoubtedly sucking little marks into the skin. It took everything Ben had not to outright groan. Even though he wanted Callum to come out, to be happy and free, being caught by Mick and Linda the night before his wedding didn’t seem like the right way to do it. “C’mon, we can go back to yours, yeah? You can give me food, water, whatever. As long as I end up in your bed,” how was Ben supposed to say no to that?

They left the pub together, neither of them speaking a word. The pair of them moved through the streets as quietly and efficiently as they could, both of them mildly scared that a single noise would wake the square and they’d be caught red handed. It was exhilarating. Ben hadn’t been entirely sure whether or not Callum was telling the truth about being sober, but he walked with confidence, never stumbling or tripping once. The fact that Callum wanted this even whilst sober was daunting. 

Still, Ben made sure Callum gulped down an entire glass of water before they moved up the stairs together, falling back into Ben’s bed. They touched like they were already familiar with one another’s body, the muscle memory of their first night together flooding back to the both of them. Ben knew exactly where to touch, where to lick, where to bite, in order to make Callum keen and Callum seemed to know exactly what was needed to turn Ben into a whining mess. It was impressive really, one night together and Callum had Ben wrapped around his pinky finger. 

In the moment it was amazing, it felt perfect like nothing could disturb the small cloud that the both of them were floating on. Ben knew it wouldn’t last. Callum would wake up the next morning, panic and claim he made a mistake before darting over to the pub to make it to his wedding on time. It would leave Ben heartbroken, sure. But he knew it wouldn’t last forever. It would only be so long before Callum felt lonely again and Ben would be there, to stop the loneliness, just for one more night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late honestly because I knew this song was smutty and writing smut is literally one of my biggest fears I can’t do it (sorry to disappoint!). Thank you for putting up with my late updates and sticking with this! Not long left!


	21. Day 21: XNXX - Joji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joji’s music slaps its so nice and chill I love it, highly recommend.

_ [in the dream we feel alright](https://youtu.be/iBUnToeuY18) _

Ben hadn’t meant what he said, when he said that Callum wasn’t worth the hassle but how else was he supposed to get the man to back off? The only way he knew how to get people to leave him alone was to be mean, even if he never believed the words coming out of his own mouth, the people he spoke the words to always believed them. 

Upsetting Callum like that had worked, they hadn’t talked in weeks and Callum was keeping his distance. Ben went to the extremities of dodging Callum, walking out when he walked in, crossing the street so they didn’t have to come face to face. Ignoring Callum hurt less than being Callum’s bit on the side, watching him kiss and cuddle up to his fiancé every day when he knew deep down that Whitney wasn’t who Callum really wanted. This way, Callum could make up his own mind about everything, decide when he was ready to be himself. 

That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt at all. Ben ached. When Paul died, Ben had felt numb. The anguish didn’t come until later after Ben had time to process it. With Callum, the pain he felt in his gut, in his chest was instant. The stabbing pain felt almost physical, even though Ben knew that was impossible. It felt like he was nervous for something, the pain felt like bad anxiety, only kicked up a notch or two. 

Maybe Ben was being dramatic, that’s what his dad would’ve said, but still, he was glad that Lexi was in holiday club and everybody else in the house was preoccupied with their own business. It meant during the day he could curl up on the couch and wallow in self pity like he felt he deserved. 

Ben must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, his mum was sat on the arm of the couch, stroking through his hair to wake him up. “You feeling okay?” She asked. Ben shrugged in response, he never could lie to her. Boy trouble would probably be the last thing she expected. Ben slept around, had fun and didn’t take life seriously, she would never assume Ben was lazing around the house because he felt heartbroken. 

Did he even have the right to be heartbroken? It wasn’t as though he had time to fall in love with Callum, it was one night in the park. But Ben had seen something in Callum that he’d never seen in anybody else. He had wanted to explore that, explore his feelings with Callum, but he knew that would only end in more pain for himself when Callum inevitably ended up choosing Whitney. That was something he wasn’t willing to put himself through. 

After a while his mum left, promising that she would return with something to cheer him up, and Ben forced himself to sit upright. Letting her catch him like that had been embarrassing enough, Ben didn’t plan on letting it happen again. 

At that moment in time, things weren’t okay. It hurt and Ben felt an overwhelming sense of sadness but he knew it wouldn’t last. Soon enough, Ben would get over it and the memory of Callum exactly that, a memory. Ben just hoped that Callum could move on and live a happy life too, even if it was all one big lie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was sort of difficult to write. I didn’t want to write just another one of Callum shrugging Ben off because I’m worried some of these are becoming repetitive! A bit different but I still hope you enjoyed it!


	22. Day 22: It’s Time - Imagine Dragons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song that came on shuffle as the glee version instead of the original, but tbh the original and the glee version go hard so I’m not mad.

_ [the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell](https://youtu.be/sENM2wA_FTg) _

“Marry me,” Ben blurted one morning and Callum practically choked on his cereal, Lexi gasping besides him. Callum flicked his eyes between the young girl and Ben who was looking at him like he was waiting for a genuine answer, eyes filled with hope as a small hint of a smile played at his lips. 

“Excuse me, what?” Callum managed to force out once he swallowed the mouthful of food that had inexplicably turned dry all of a sudden. Ben really didn’t look like he was playing around. 

“Marry me, Callum. I know it’s not a big speech or whatever you might’ve been hoping for but,” Ben reached into the pocket of his pyjama pants, pulling out a small velvet box. The box slid across the table and came to a halt in front of Callum. With shaking hands, Callum opened the box with a gentle ‘snap’, Lexi instantly leaning over to hum and haw over the silver band. It was nothing special. It was perfect. “Marry me, please?” 

Callum nodded within a split second and walked around the table to grab his boyfriend’s- his fiancés- face and pull him into a gentle kiss. Even though the proposal and the ring had clearly gotten her excited, Lexi covered her eyes and let out a whine, claiming they were gross. At the age of twelve, Lexi had decided that kissing was disgusting and she vowed never to participate in it, ever. 

“Do I call you dad too, now?” Lexi hummed, the question clearly no big deal to her as she reached for the slice of toast that her dad had abandoned, grinning cheekily at him. Callum would let her get away with murder, in all honesty. She had a face like butter wouldn’t melt. Still, the question made Callum’s eyes widen and Ben’s smirk lift a little higher. 

“I mean, yeah? Yeah. That would be nice. If you’d like that,” the words were more of a squeak that had both father and daughter giggling. The pair of them drove Callum up the wall sometimes but he wouldn’t have it any other way, they were his life now. Lexi nodded firmly. 

“Okay, Dad,” the girl pecked her soon to be step-dad on the cheek before disappearing up the stairs. The smug smile on Ben’s face never once disappeared. Callum huffed. 

“Callum Halfway, making an honest man out of me. Who would’ve guessed?” Ben murmured, turning all gentle and sincere as he reached for Callum’s hand across their table, now that his daughter was gone. Callum just blushed like some sort of school kid and let Ben brush a kiss across his knuckles, only barely containing his eye roll. 

Five years. Callum had spent five years in hell. Due to his own fears and insecurities, and much to Ben’s chagrin, Callum went through with the wedding and Called everything off with Ben. That only lasted about six months, and those six months were enough to send Callum’s mental health spiralling down the drain all over again. Ben had been there to pick him up and dust him off and had finally given him the courage to speak up and tell Whitney. She, of course, had been heartbroken and had moved away for a little while to collect her thoughts. After five years, she still wasn’t back and Callum dealt with the guilt of forcing her out of her own home every day. About two years after telling her, Ben had moved in with Callum. They got Lexi after school on Fridays and through the weekend, and everything was going perfectly. 

It was finally time to begin his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was super fun to write and again, a bit different because I haven’t done a sort of complete canon divergence yet in these fics they’ve all been based off like the actual show. This was the only way I could see myself doing this song though! I hope you liked this one as much as I did!! Thank you again x


	23. Day 23: Yours - Alex James Ellison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What this chapter told me was that nobody knows this song. I normally try to look for lyrics online to help me pick one for the start and to help me get a feel for the song and I couldn’t find them literally anywhere. Enjoy!

[_the challenge of sleeping in our own beds_ ](https://youtu.be/DjbLv7cHp7c)

Ben looked up when Callum burst through the door of the car lot cabin with the urgency of a dying man and tried desperately to conceal the fact he nearly jumped out of his skin. “Fucking hell, Callum, ever heard of knocking?” Instead of answering, Callum strolled up to Ben’s desk and dropped an envelope on top of the paper work he was currently trying to fill in. Ben furrowed his eyebrows up at Callum. 

“Open it!” Callum encouraged, flapping his hands about. It made him look no less insane than he already did. He looked like he was bouncing out of his skin, something had gotten the man excited. Feeling more confused than he thought was physically possible, Ben opened the envelope, somehow becoming even more bewildered at the sight of two hotel tickets fluttering out of the paper. Wales?

“I think you gave me Whitney’s honeymoon present by accident here, mate,” Ben chuckled but that only caused Callum to huff and shake his head, shoving the tickets back into Ben’s chest when the man tried to return them. 

“No, I ain’t done anything like that. They’re for you. For us. It’s just, hard to get any privacy around here,” Callum explained and Ben scoffed, muttering a sarcastic ‘I wonder why’ under his breath. “You know I’m not ready to come out to Whitney yet but,” Callum walked closer to Ben and perched on the table in front of him, taking the man’s hands. “You know I’m yours right? Whitney is-“ Callum sighed. He was too nice to say it like it was. Whitney was a cover until he was ready to come out but he would never say something like that, it was too mean. Callum really did have a heart of gold, even if it was covered by his fears and insecurities. “I thought we could say we’re going away on a business thing? We’re friends now, people know that. I’ll say I needed something for the undertakers and Jay was too busy to come. I took a friend instead,” Callum looked so pleased with himself, all Ben could do was let out a chuckle and nod, agreeing to spend a long weekend in Wales to be Callum’s bit on the side. 

Callum knew how Ben felt about the whole set up, knew it didn’t please him but he promised that it wouldn’t be that way forever. “One day,” he whispered against Ben’s lips after they ended up making out in the cabin for half an hour, his lips red and slightly more puffy than they had been to begin with. “One day I’ll be yours completely. You can kiss me in the rain and hold my hand and do everything you could ever ask for,” Callum continued and Ben just let out a soft hum, stroking over the exposed skin on Callum’s hip. 

“One day,” Ben agreed. For now, he would take Callum to Wales and spoil him, act like nobody else was watching just because he could. They’d finally get to stop tiptoeing around, even if it was only for a few days. A few days were better than none and plus, it was good practice for the future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow two fluffy ficlets in a row, am I feeling okay? This one was super short but I really didn’t feel like it needed much else. If I continued I would’ve ended up writing their trip away and that would’ve went on forever! Thank you for reading again!! And thanks for all of the comments you’re all so lovely and your kind words make me feel so great! (Also I caught up again let’s see how long it lasts this time)


	24. Day 24: Venus Flytrap - Feng Suave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact this is my all time favourite song ever and when it came on shuffle I got so excited lmao. Enjoy!

_ [i’ll be abused if that means i can lie beside you](https://youtu.be/U2JMCxOmjRk) _

Ben knew he was hurting himself, he knew it, but that didn’t stop him in the slightest. Being friends with Callum was painful in more ways than one could imagine but for some reason, he couldn’t stop it, didn’t want to stop it. 

If it was as close to Callum as he was going to get, he’d take the slight discomfort he felt when he watched Callum return to his fiancé at night over the torture of not seeing him at all. A friendship was probably better than having an affair with Callum anyway. There was no false pretences or fake promises in the friendship, it was just two mates enjoying each other’s company. Ben wasn’t entirely sure he even wanted to be trapped in an endless affair, Callum didn’t exactly seem like he was working his way out of the closet any time soon. If anything, he seemed to be shuffling as far back into it as he could. 

Just because they were friends, and only friends, didn’t mean that Ben stopped himself from looking at, or admiring, Callum. Most of the time, he couldn’t help himself. He liked to believe he didn’t make it obvious, at least not too obvious, but Callum was oblivious at the best of times so any subtle glances probably went straight over his head anyway. It was strange, Ben had never felt such deep attraction coiling in his gut for anybody. Love wasn’t the word for it, but Ben sure had a bunch of muddled up feelings for Callum, most of it being lust or pure unadulterated adoration, that he pushed to the side and ignored the best he could. Surely he’d get over the feelings soon, or was he supposed to just hold out until Callum finally came to his senses? Ben didn’t have forever. 

Unlike Callum, Ben wasn’t completely blind to other people’s emotions and feelings. Which was why, on the night of the stag do, Ben furrowed his eyebrows at the way Callum’s hand lingered on his arm a little bit too long to be a friendly gesture or the way Callum’s eyes flicked to Ben’s lips for a couple of seconds. “See you tomorrow,” Ben dismissed Callum with those few words, turning as quickly as he could to create a distance between them. Whatever that was, Ben elected to ignore it. He couldn’t get involved, not again, not like that. 

The wedding went off without a hitch, Callum’s jitteriness being passed off as nothing more than wedding nerves but Ben knew the truth, knew the man was scared about the fact he was signing himself up for a life full of lies and anguish. There really was no going back now. Ben kept his eyes down, his focus fixed entirely on his pants rather than the blushing bride up front. He didn’t fancy his chances of accidentally meeting Callum’s eyes, wasn’t sure how he would even react if that were to happen. 

After the ceremony, everybody moved to The Vic for the party. Ben wasn’t sure how Callum had managed to convince Whitney to stay local for the party considering the bride had been all set on having a big wedding with a whole function room booked out. Everybody seemed to be laughing, having a good time, but Ben slipped out early and made his way to E20 instead. A quite drink alone sounded like a lot more fun than watching the man he was doting on kiss up to his new wife. 

Ben had managed to work his way through almost 8 drinks and was more than a little bit tipsy when he felt someone’s pant leg brush against his as they moved to sit on the stool beside him. “Not really up for company right now, mate,” Ben muttered, downing the rest of his drink in one fluid motion. Billy topped it up again hesitantly. 

“You left,” Ben barely contained a groan at the voice that sounded so damn upset. God, he was like a lost puppy. How did he have the capability to make Ben crumble apart with nothing but the tone of his voice? 

“Yeah, well Callum. Don’t know if you’ve noticed but I ain’t exactly the biggest fan of you two together,” Ben grumbled. He still hadn’t looked up at Callum, didn’t want to see him looking so immaculate in that suit. God knows what he would end up doing in his drunken stupor. 

“Ben? I’m sorry. I’m sorry if today hurt your feelings or-or made you feel used or upset. I just,” Callum let out another frustrated sigh as he dragged his hands over his face. “I didn’t know what to do,” Ben just made a noncommittal hum and let the silence drag on for maybe a little longer than was necessary. “You looked good today, you always look good,” Callum whispered the words as though they were foul and dangerous, as though someone would overhear him despite the place being empty. 

“Yeah? Not as good as that wife of yours though, huh?” Ben tried not to sound bitter, really, he did. But even to his own ears he failed miserably. 

“I don’t know what to do now. I’ve messed it all up. Before, before today I had a way out, I could’ve stopped it, could’ve gotten what I really wanted,” Ben eventually flicked his eyes up towards Callum. His gaze was far too intense for comfort, almost like Ben was what he really wanted all along. Ben again decided to ignore the range of meanings behind that look. 

Ben couldn’t give in, he had to give Callum the cold shoulder. For himself more than anything else. If he let himself have what he wanted, he’d be the bit on the side for god knows how long and Ben knew he would hate that with every fibre of his being. How Paul had let himself be nothing more than an affair with Ben for such a long time astounded him. “No, Callum. Stop it. You don’t get to say shit like that to me anymore, friends don’t say that sort of stuff to each other. You made your bed, you made your bed with Whitney. Now go home and lie in it,” Ben demanded, his glare harsh. Callum seemed speechless. Good, Ben thought bitterly. Good to know he could do that to the man. 

Almost as if he were on autopilot, Callum stood up and took a few steps back, his eyes still trained on Ben. With one last whisper of ‘I’m sorry’, Callum turned on his heels and rushed out the door. Ben didn’t have it in him to feel guilty, as much as it hurt to see Callum’s eyes dim like that, Ben wasn’t a toy for Callum to pick up and drop when someone caught him. 

Callum wasn’t Ben’s to slowly fall in love with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so behind purely because I’ve had nightshifts for the past three days. I wrote half of this at 1am after getting off one of my shifts and so I kind of hate it and feel like it’s all over the place. Oh well!!! Thank you for reading it! And I hope you liked it a bit more than I did x


	25. Day 25: Grow As We Go - Ben Platt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn’t know, the sentences at the start of each chapter are lines from the song for that day and it’s also a hyperlink to the song!

_ [i’d like the company through every twist and turn](https://youtu.be/aDeNQNtW1f8) _

When Callum broke up with Whitney and gently explained that he was gay, always had been even though he refused to acknowledge it, he was expecting a lot of different reactions from a lot of different people. 

From Whitney he had been expecting screaming, crying and a whole lot of anger. He had received just that. Whitney had cried at first, claiming she didn’t understand before something had snapped and she had shouted, angry at Callum for having made a fool out of her for the past two years. Callum sat and accepted all of the resentment that she threw his way. It was the least he could do. Afterwards, when the yelling had died down, she had politely asked him to move out as soon as possible before making a swift exit from the flat. That reaction was nothing that Callum hadn’t been anticipating. 

From Mick, Linda and the rest of the square, he was expecting to be shunned, to be hated. After all, everybody adored Whitney and he had only gone and broke her heart by lying to her about something so major for the past two years. Everybody adored her because she was sweet, kind and deserved to be loved. He wasn’t sure when they would find out, how long it would take for Whitney to tell them, so for now he put that thought on the back burner and focused on someone else who was bound to be pleased. 

As Callum walked to Ben’s house with his chin tucked into his chest, as though people already knew and were waiting for the perfect moment to strike with their pitchforks and torches, he let his mind wander just a little. How would Ben react? Would it be like in the movies when the main actor and actress end up kissing in the rain for the last ten minutes of the movie? Callum snorted, yeah right. That wasn’t Ben’s style at all. Maybe he’d get one of those smiles again, the smiles that kept him up at night because he couldn’t stop thinking about them. Perhaps Ben would murmur a quiet congratulations and they could start afresh. Who knows, once this was over, Callum and Ben could start dating properly? 

Instead, when Ben opened the door and Callum had blurted out ‘I broke up with her’ without thinking, Ben had simply slammed the door in his face, something that Callum would’ve never imagined happening in a million years. A look of shock took over Callum’s face as he briefly looked around, wondering if he had said something wrong or maybe this was all just some stupid elaborate prank. “Uh.. Ben?” Callum called through the door. He could clearly see Ben’s outline through the frosted glass, almost like he was leaning on it to catch his breathe. What on Earth just happened? 

On the other side of the door, Ben was fairly certain he was having an anxiety attack, or at least something along those lines. For some reason, Ben had it in his mind that Callum was never going to break up with Whitney, that Ben was going to be stuck pining for the rest of his life. Now that Callum had actually broken up with her, and she knew the truth, it felt all too real all of a sudden. All of the feelings that had been building up for Callum weighted on his chest like a tonne of bricks because now he was actually allowed to feel those things for Callum. Now he had a chance to be with the man like he had wanted to for so long, had a chance to treat Callum like he deserved and- god, fuck, he was already ruining it. He’d just slammed the door in Callum’s face for god sake. 

Feeling sheepish, Ben opened the door back up slowly, blinking at Callum. The guilt was written all over his face. “I’m sorry. Are you sure?” Ben couldn’t help but ask. What the hell was wrong with him? How come five simple words had made Ben’s brain go to complete mush?

“Am I sure I broke up with her? I mean, I’m fairly certain and my clothes currently laying on top of a suitcase seem to be agreeing with me,” Callum huffed out around a laugh. Callum couldn’t help but scratch the back of his head, feeling the nerves buzzing between them both. 

“Come in, I’m sorry I slammed the door shut,” Ben mumbled. Once they had gotten all of the pleasantries out of the way and were sat at the table together with a cup of tea each, Callum finally deemed it acceptable to ask what the hell had happened earlier. 

“Why’d you slam the door on me? Ain’t it good news? That I broke up with her?” Callum asked, his voice tinged with that hint of self-consciousness that Ben had become all too familiar with. Ben hated when he made Callum feel like that. 

“No. No it’s great news,” Ben promised but let out a long sigh afterwards. “You’re free now, you know? You can brave the big, wide, gay world all on your own,” Ben forceda laugh that was humourless. Ben didn’t want Callum to brave it alone, he wanted to be by his side. Only, he wasn’t sure if Callum wanted that too anymore. Maybe Ben was just a tool to help Callum come to his senses. 

Callum looked confused as he stretched a hand across the table to lay it gingerly atop of Ben’s own free hand. His thumb found the ring that was covering up a burn mark, stroking over the metal tenderly. “What? Ben I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. I broke up with Whitney because I liked what we had, what we have. I’m unfinished, I’ve got so much left to learn. I want you to help me, to teach me,” Callum’s words seemed to be falling from his lips without control. Not that Ben was complaining, he rather enjoyed the words that Callum spoke. “We’ll take it slow for now, but if you’d like, I’d think it’d be nice if we could continue what we were doing. Only without the secrecy part this time,” Callum offered his heart on a platter and Ben would be rude not to accept. All he wanted to do was accept. 

In lieu of giving Callum a spoken response, knowing he was likely to fuck it up, Ben walked around the table to cup Callum’s cheeks and pull him into a kiss. Callum let out a breathless surprised noise but his hands settled on Ben’s hips. Ben smiled. 

This was the true beginning of Callum’s journey. He would grow and change as a person, and Ben would be right there to witness it all. He couldn’t wait. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one ran away with me, mainly because the song speaks volumes to me and I really sort of liked the idea of Ben being the vulnerable scared one! Thank you for reading!! Your devotion warms my heart <3


	26. Day 26: Crushcrushcrush - Paramore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My shuffle really outed my inner emo, huh.

_ [they taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies](https://youtu.be/ei8hPkyJ0bU) _

Ben couldn’t say that what he felt for Callum was love. The emotions that swelled inside of him and threatened to burst open could be described as a a lot of things. Lust, desire, passion. To put it simply, Ben had a crush. 

It felt exactly like a schoolyard crush. All of the scheming and the following and the hair pulling. It felt like something a bunch of kids would do, not something that two grown men should be doing. Still, it wasn’t as though Ben was in complete control of it. 

In Ben’s own humble opinion, Callum was crushing just as hard only it was a little more difficult for him to admit, what with him being adamant on pretending to be straight and in love with Whitney. Maybe he did love Whitney, Ben didn’t know, but what he did know was that the love he felt wasn’t strong enough to distract him from Ben, not even during his own damn wedding. 

Throughout the entire ceremony, Ben sat back and smirked as Callum’s eyes continuously drifted over to him.There was no way that Ben could have avoided noticing the way Callum’s eyes were always glued to him, no matter what. In a way, it was kind of amusing. Callum was currently getting married to ‘the love of his life’ and yet he had spent a grand total of about five minutes looking at her. 

Of course, after the wedding, the bride and groom left together and the true celebrations began. Trying his very hardest to hide the distain that was thrumming unpleasantly through his veins, Ben joined Jay and Lola in the pub for the afterparty and let himself get as wasted as he wanted. The small hope that Callum would change his mind had well and truly been burst and Ben didn’t feel like watching the lovebirds all night unless it was through beer goggles. 

Somehow Ben had actually been enjoying the night, even if it was only because he’d ignored Callum as much as he could. Soon enough, everybody was too drunk to keep watching and congratulating the bride and groom and Ben eventually came face to face with Callum for the first time that day. It had only happened because Callum had grabbed him and yanked him into a quiet corner. “What’re you doing? Get off me. Ain’t you got a wife to be dragging about?” Ben hissed out, pulling his arm free with the best drunken scowl he could manage. 

Callum looked more nervous than he had when saying his vows. “Let’s get out of here for a bit. Nobody’s watching us, we could go be alone,” Callum begged. Ben’s not proud to say he floundered like a fish, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to find the words. 

Before he could put his feelings of ‘what the fuck?’ into an actual sentence, Callum had a hand on his arm again and was tugging him out of the pub and into the square. “I think you’ve had too much to drink, Callum,” Ben muttered, looking back over his shoulder. That was the only explanation for this. Callum would never have acted upon his impulses otherwise. 

Rather than agree or disagree with that, Callum simply moved the both of them into the alley besides The Vic as discreetly as he could. The space was narrow, practically forcing Callum to sidle up to Ben, even if that hadn’t been his intent in the first place. For a while, they said nothing, both men quite intent on breathing the same air, their gaze refusing to break. As if on impulse, Callum’s forehead bumped against Ben’s when they both leant in. Their lips met and all of a sudden Ben felt completely sober. All it took for Callum to stretch the kiss further, pushing his tongue against Ben’s almost hesitantly, was Ben placing his hands on Callum’s lower back, gripping him tight and drawing him in close. It was like that had been the affirmative Callum needed to allow the sparks to truly begin flying between them. 

Briefly, in the back of Ben’s mind, he scoffed. After all, nothing said classy quite like making out in a side alley with a newly wed groom. Any sarcastic thoughts flew out of the window when Callum gripped Ben’s hair tightly, pulling back for just a moment, pants coming out sharp and short against Ben’s neck. Somewhere in Ben’s brain he was still chanting a mantra of ‘what the fuck?’.

“I’d rather live my life pretending than have to stop this,” Callum admitted, sheepish and shy as he pressed kisses along Ben’s jaw and throat. They were an apology. An apology for lying, for making Ben his bit on the side, for being a god damn coward. 

Ben didn’t have it in him to say any of that. “We could be so much more than this,” he muttered instead, hands sinking lower on Callum’s back to tease at the waistband. The gentle whine that pulled out of Callum had Ben smirking. 

If Callum would just stop lying. If Callum found it in him to tell everybody the truth, Ben knew they would be good together. They bounced well off each other, they craved each other, if only Callum would let that flourish. Instead, Ben was stuck with efficient, emotionless handjobs in alleyways and garages. 

Ben would take what he could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! This was purely self-indulgent. I am craving an alley kiss so bad and at this rate, this is the only way I’m going to get it. I didn’t upload any of my backlogged stuff yesterday as I was watching the Book of Mormon. I’m desperate to catch up tonight because we’re almost finished and I want to at least complete this on time. 
> 
> (I also have a late tomorrow night so tomorrow’s may also be late god damn)


	27. Day 27: Solitaire - Marina and the Diamonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song is so beautiful and no one can change my mind.

_ [i repair myself when you’re not there](https://youtu.be/rDI44Xhq7Tk) _

Callum was pacing back and forth in his living room as quietly as he could. Another run in with Ben downstairs had left Callum fuming, practically foaming at the mouth with a bunch of pent up emotions that he could never show, wouldn’t even how to express such emotions. It wasn’t as though Callum was angry at Ben alone, no, he was angry at himself too. Angry that he let Ben worm his way under his skin, let the man taunt and tease until Callum was bright red and prepared to throw punches all whilst simultaneously making him hot under the collar for a completely different reason.

Callum should’ve known. He should’ve realised that Ben Mitchell meant trouble from day one, that everything was going to end in tears just like it always did because nothing was ever fair. Life wasn’t ever fair. That day when Ben had offered Callum the van, had the audacity to murmur ‘I can’t understand why you don’t like yourself’, Callum should’ve walked away like he had planned to, listened to his gut instincts. If he’d done that, maybe he could still be living his happy little lie whilst confidently ignoring the fact he was gay, instead of having it dragged up every time he made eye contact with Ben. 

As much as he could pretend to hate Ben, claim the man had ruined his life, Callum knew that wasn’t true, just like everything else in his life apparently. Ben was as cold as stone and as fierce and mean as one could be most of the time, but Callum had seen through all of that, had watched Ben break apart and become soft and kind with Callum. Ben had spoken words to Callum that nobody else had ever dared to, words that Callum had really needed to hear. So as much as Ben drove Callum up the wall, the man could just as easily bring him straight back down again. 

Without Ben around, he could almost forget. Looking around the flat he could see the photos of Whitney, of himself, and he could smile and ignore any other thoughts that were messing with his head. He could start to fix himself, piece by piece. Until he would pass Ben in the square or in The Vic and that all would come crumbling apart. 

Callum collapsed onto his couch, head in his hands. Callum wanted to yell. He wanted to curse up to the sky and scream, a desperate attempt to get rid of all of the anger that was building up inside of him. Instead, he cried. His shoulder shook and he sobbed, the lump in his throat becoming physically painful whenever he tried to swallow around it. 

Why now? Why after he had finally gotten his life together? He had all but forgotten about his dad, got himself a beautiful girlfriend, had managed to ignore the guilt he felt over abandoning Chris. Everything was going so smoothly and now it felt like he was caught in a hurricane with no way out. 

Only, there was a way out and he knew it. He could tell the truth. If Callum could just build up the courage and tell Whitney, apologise to her and apologise to Ben, he could live the life he wanted to, live a truthful and honest life. Callum shook his head. 

There was no point in thinking about it. It was pointless even imagining a life where he could be free to kiss Ben in public because Ben was right. Callum was nothing but a damn coward. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this one was a bit different with no dialogue and everything. I just thought we had a one from Ben’s POV when he was alone so it might’ve been nice to have one from Callum’s too. I hope you enjoyed it still!!! Thank you!


	28. Day 28: prom dress - mxmtoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went through a phase where I listened to nothing but this song for about 5 days straight and absolutely sickened myself with it.

_ [now i’m sittin’ on the floor and all i want to do is run](https://youtu.be/VQLvGljJS64) _

What the hell had Ben done to get into this position? Sure, he had made some questionable life decisions and hadn’t exactly been the best person in the world but what did he do to deserve this mess? God must really have it out for him. 

One moment Ben had been standing up, ready to leave the wedding party because quite frankly, he had enough of Callum staring at him from across the room like he hadn’t just got married. That was until Callum had begged and pleaded for him to come upstairs with him, his eyes welled with tears. Ben really should’ve noticed Whitney’s absence and refused to go anywhere with Callum. Instead, he had followed the man up the stairs directly into Mick and Linda’s living room where Whitney was sat in her wedding dress, makeup running down her face. Well, fuck. 

Before Callum could open his mouth, probably to explain the fact he had told Whitney about the affair, and before Ben could even begin defending himself, Whitney had stood and punched Ben across the face. Hard. That woman could really hold her own. “You. You disgust me, Ben Mitchell. First you almost put him in jail and almost ruin his life, then you have the audacity to lay a single finger on him, to touch him like he’s yours,” Whitney seethed in Ben’s face and Ben’s brows shot up in response as he pushed her out of his personal space. 

“Last time I checked, Callum wanted it just as bad. I didn’t touch him, he came to me, was practically begging for it,” Ben hissed out, ignoring the affronted look that passed over Callum’s face in his peripheral vision. He could deny it all he wanted to, agree with Whitney and insist that Ben tried to turn him gay. That would just make him an even bigger lowlife than Ben had first thought. Whitney seemed speechless, more tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. 

“You’re lying,” she decided, turning briefly to her husband. “Callum, tell me he’s lying. You’re not gay, you can’t be,” her tone had turned from pure unadulterated anger to simply pleading, desperately hoping she hadn’t been trapped in a fake relationship for two years. 

Callum stuttered pathetically over the word ‘I’ for about two minutes before Ben scoffed. “Ain’t that all the proof you need? He didn’t deny it. If he were straight he would’ve said so,” Ben shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets to act nonchalant about everything happening despite the fact that his heart was racing out of his chest. Was this finally what he had been hoping for?

“You’re a creep. He- even if he is gay, you couldn’t have known. You kissed him thinking he was straight, that’s- that’s vile,” Whitney had started to stumble over her own words, grasping desperately at loose ends and taking every chance that she could to insult Ben. Why wasn’t she taking all of this out on her husband? He had cheated on her, not Ben. 

“Listen here, you don’t get to say that shit to me. Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean that I forced myself onto him, that I raped him or any of this other fucked up shit you’re accusing me of,” Ben growled, pointing accusingly at Callum who was stood a few feet behind him. “It ain’t my fault he’s more interested in me than he ever was with you,” Ben turned on his heels, intent on walking out and forgetting this whole situation ever happened. 

Before Ben had a chance to leave, Callum grabbed his arm and whispered out a soft mumble of ‘wait’. Ben smirked. With that one simple word, he had won. Callum was his and three of them knew it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to listen to this song about 6 times before I figured out how I sort of wanted this to go and I still hate it oops. It was hard to write and hard to figure out a way to link it to the song but!!! I liked the plot idea and so ran with it!! Thank you for reading! I may or may not be able to post day 29 soon, I’ll start it but may get too sleepy to finish or proof read it. I really want to catch up before Saturday aaaaa!


	29. Day 29: All Time Low - Jon Bellion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to put a tw here! There’s more in the notes at the end of this chapter if you want to read the trigger in more depth before continuing the ticket!
> 
> This chapter is a pretty heavy one! Despite the song being really upbeat I had two ideas for it and one was something very similar to what’s already been done in this series or this idea which is super heavy and contains suicide themes so be careful please, my loves!

** (tw for suicide attempt (kind of, read notes at the end for more details but it will spoil the ficlet)) **

_ [i’ve been trying to fix my pride, but that shits broken](https://youtu.be/AXnqkVTFUqY) _

Ben hadn’t felt this way in a long time. The depression that he had endured after Paul had been one of the most physically draining things he had ever had to deal with. Everything had hurt all of the time and there was no escaping it, that’s why he had left the square. Leaving meant a new, fresh start, it meant no pitying glances or falsified apologies. He was free to try and work on himself, to try and get over the abundance of hurt that he was feeling at the time. 

After a while, he had picked himself up and dusted himself off and had returned back to the square. When he first came back, his mental health had been at its peak. The general anxiety that thrummed through his body was nothing more than a little niggle in the back of his mind and the depression had almost completely faded. All in all, he was feeling a lot better than he had and he promised himself he wouldn’t let anything slip him up again. 

The last thing he was expecting to mess with his mind was the new boy-next-door. At first it had been nothing but a bit of fun. Ben found out Callum’s dirty little secret and teasing was something that entertained Ben, watching Callum fidget and squirm beneath him, knowing he had complete and utter control of the situation, it had been amusing to say the least. The novelty didn’t last for too long. Before Ben could even realise what was happening, he had caught feelings for the man. Actual, genuine feelings. A longing sort of adoration that he hadn’t felt since Paul. 

Of course, it all went down hill from there. Ben watched as Callum convinced the entire square, and more importantly convinced himself, that he was in love with Whitney. As the days went by, Ben grew more and more fed up with the whole situation. The desire still spurred in Ben’s chest, curled up and clinging tightly like it refused to let go no matter how hard Ben tried to shake it off. Realistically, Ben knew he hadn’t a chance in hell with Callum, but it didn’t mean his gut didn’t twist with displeasure every time he watched Callum kiss his new wife. 

It soon got to the point where Ben couldn’t turn a corner without being reminded of Callum, Whitney or the wedding in one way or another, whether it was as discrete as a forgotten balloon being dragged about by the wind or as blatant as the pair walking around the square hand in hand. Either way, Ben was quite sick of it. 

That was why he decided to take his car up west for the day and finally spend his time not fretting about a man that he was no longer supposed to care about. The drinking hadn’t been part of the plan, not really. Ben had simply saw an open bar and walked in without a second thought, letting himself get lost in the sea of bodies and alcohol, finally feeling something other than pure exhaustion. 

Ben wasn’t drunk enough to realise that driving home was a stupid, idiotic move, but he was drunk enough not to care. As he sat there behind the wheel, taking deep and calculated breaths in order to try and soothe his protesting stomach, Ben wondered for a moment. Would he care even if he was sober? If sober-Ben was in the car with him right now, would he stop himself? Or would he let it happen, just to feel exhilarated, to stop feeling so drained? Ben scoffed and started the car. 

He couldn’t say what happened. Maybe he fell asleep behind the wheel. Maybe he saw the truck coming and did nothing to stop it. All Ben knew was that the burn that spread through every inch of his body as his car flipped and tumbled across the motorway was way worse than any pain that Callum could ever inflict on him. 

When he woke up, it was with a slight grunt, the hospital lights too bright and the thrumming pain all over was far too intense. People were going to ask questions, questions Ben didn’t feel like answering. Then again, maybe they wouldn’t ask, they’d just assume he was being his stupid self again and that would be the end of it. Nobody ever asked. 

“Ben?” Another grunt in response. It was Callum, he knew that much. Ben had been expecting Jay, his mum or even his dad, anybody but Callum, who happened to be the last person Ben wanted to speak to. 

“Where’s Whitney?” Ben managed to hiss out as he tried to push himself up. Callum moves at a speed Ben had never seen before to shove lightly at his shoulder until he lay back down again. Ben glared. 

“You’re real banged up. Concussion and god knows what else. You ain’t supposed to make fast movements,” Callum muttered in response, managing to at least look sheepish whilst pressing the control on the bed to make it raise slightly. Ben’s glare never once deterred. An awkward silence settled over the pair of them, nothing but the gentle, muted sounds of a nurses tray rattling around and the harsh coughs from other patients filling the room. It sounded a lot like death. “Why’d you do it?” Callum asked eventually. Ben’s eyes practically rolled into the back of his skull. Callum made it sound way worse than it was. 

“I hit an all time low, I guess,” Ben muttered. A sarcastic comment was on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t be bothered for another silly little argument with Callum. Ben had meant what he said, Callum wasn’t with the hassle. If only his heart would catch up and get the memo. 

“I’m sorry,” Callum whispered, picking loosely at his pants. “This hasn’t changed anything, you know? I’m still with Whitney, I still love Whitney. I just don’t want you getting upset or angry over it. I thought we could talk again? You deserve closure,” Callum sounded pathetic. Even he must’ve heard how pitiful his voice sounded, surely. 

“Why are you here? If you’re so sure that you don’t care about me, that what we have isn’t like what you and Whitney have, then why are you here fawning over me like some mother-hen? Does Whitney know you’re here?” Ben demanded, exasperated. They had the same conversations over and over again, yet not a single word of them rang true. “This wasn’t a cry for help. It wasn’t me being suicidal or whatever dumb shit you’re making up. It was a stupid, drunken mistake. Just like we were, huh?” Ben snorted, shaking his head once. 

Callum looked genuinely hurt by Ben’s words for a split second before standing up and walking out with one more whisper of ‘I’m sorry’. He hadn’t a single right to be hurt. 

Ben wasn’t entirely sure what the man kept apologising for, nor he was certain about who Callum was apologising to. Sure, he had fucked with Ben’s emotions, had left him feeling worn out, like he’d just lost a war, but more importantly, Callum had signed himself up for a life of lying and misery. In Ben’s opinion, Callum should be apologising to himself first and foremost. 

After all, nobody deserved to live a life of lying and misery. Nobody deserved to live the life Callum was about to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Ben drives when he’s drunk on purpose and is just feeling super low and lethargic and it kindness of links to depression etc. 
> 
> I hope you still liked this chapter despite it being super kind of dark. I fricked up and most definitely did not finish this series in time (it is now September) but I mean? I tried? >.<


	30. Day 30: Meet Me In The Hallway - Harry Styles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry Styles is the only member of one direction that made consistently good solo music don’t @ me

_ [we don’t talk about it, it’s something we don’t do](https://youtu.be/vvZMygu99uE) _

Sneaking around was something that both Callum and Ben were incredibly used to. They had done it towards the end of Callum’s relationship enough, the pair of them were pretty much pros at it by the time the wedding got called off and Callum was free to be himself. 

Just because they were good at being secretive, didn’t mean that they had to continue doing it. Ben couldn’t understand why the pair of them were still meeting up in the dark, behind closed doors, away from prying eyes. What did it matter anymore? Ben wasn’t expecting Callum to dive head first into a public relationship with him, at least not yet. It would’ve just been nice to at least have a pint together in public like they had before the whole wedding mishap. Instead, Callum had went straight back to ignoring him like he had after their first kiss for a couple of weeks unless they were in private. 

After a lot of pleading and persuading on Ben’s part, the man had eventually gotten Callum to agree to a night out at The Prince Albert. Strictly friends. Callum at first had been wary of it, worried they’d both get too drunk and wouldn’t be able to stop themselves from touching. Ben assured Callum that they would come back to the flat before anything like that happened. 

As it stood, Ben was currently leaning against the bar with two drinks in his hands as he watched Callum wiggle and squeeze his way through the crowd. He kept apologising lightly to people whenever he would bump them, completely unaware of the fact that the other men didn’t really seem to have a problem with the accidental contact. Either Callum was just as clueless as he came across, or he really did only have eyes for Ben. Still, by that point Ben was more than a couple of drinks in and the unnecessary wave of jealousy rolled in his stomach at the way everyone seemed to casually brush up against Callum. 

Once they were face to face again and no longer had to scream at each other in order to be heard over the hubbub of the bar, Ben placed both the drinks down on the bar. He didn’t really care if someone tried to spike them at that point, his plans didn’t include drinking the damn things anyways. “Meet me through there,” Ben whispered, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the toilets. There was a door that separated the bar from the actual toilets. 

With as much confidence as he could muster, ignoring the niggle of doubt in the back of his mind that Callum wouldn’t follow, Ben walked through the door and leant against a wall. For all the bar was hectic, body’s moving and grinding against each other, the toilets were fairly empty. Nobody seemed willing to leave the dance floor. 

After what felt like hours of waiting but was probably only a couple of minutes, Callum joined Ben. Anybody could see the nervousness that thrummed through Callum but only Ben could see the excitement that joined it. “Thought you didn’t do toilet hookups?” Callum questioned as Ben’s fingers tangled in the collar of his jacket and tugged him closer. 

“We ain’t in the toilet, are we?” Ben scoffed a bit and leant up to plant his lips against Callum’s firmly. The man didn’t seem to have an argument for that and simply met Ben halfway, bending down only slightly. Within an instant, the kiss turned almost wild and desperate, hands flying over clothes like the pair of them were aching for skin on skin contact. 

The bliss didn’t last for long. As soon as Callum heard the door swing open, he broke all contact with Ben in a shot, practically flinging himself to the other wall. Ben only barely contained the groan that worked its way up his throat. “What’s your problem?” Ben hissed out once the woman that had interrupted them had been and gone. “I don’t get it. You don’t have to keep up with your stupid straight act anymore. You can be gay. You can be my boyfriend. We don’t have to keep doing this shit,” Ben reminded, an incredulous look taking over his face. In all honesty, Ben couldn’t believe he was letting Callum walk all over him like this. Ben was sick of hiding, he’d done that for too long. “Aren’t you fed up? Why can’t you just tell the truth now?” Ben practically whispered. 

The soft tone did nothing to lessen Callum’s outburst. “Because I’m scared alright? Isn’t that a good enough reason? I don’t want to. Plain and simple, Ben,” Callum was seething, Ben’s breath hitched. He hadn’t seen him this way in a long time. “And quite frankly, I’m sick of you making out as though this is hard on you. You’re not the one that’s been lying to everyone for the past couple of years. You don’t get to decide when I-“ 

Ben tried to interrupt with a ‘no, Callum’ but as soon as he got half of the words out, Callum’s glare turned icy and Ben shut his mouth. He hadn’t been trying to force Callum to come out, that wasn’t his intention. 

“I decide when I do this. This is on my terms. And if you can’t deal with that, then that’s up to you,” Callum muttered, losing all his fight and simply stalking out of the bar. Ben tried to grab him a couple of times but was shook off, all he could do was watch Callum walk away. He let out a sigh. 

This is what they did. They hid and they perused each other behind everybody’s back. Eventually, it all got too much and they had a big row. Ben knew there wasn’t much point in worrying, things would be back to normal once they had both slept on it. 

With another huff of breath, Ben walked towards the bar. Maybe he did need that drink after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so so late I’m so sorry! I’ve had the busiest week of my life what with work and I’ve been going out with my friends a lot before I move away to uni but hey!!! Better late than never. Also I think this one took me so long because I had major writing block with it, like I had no clue what I wanted to do with this song. I hope you enjoyed it!!! I’m posting 31 straight after this x


	31. Day 31: Bud Like You - AJR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AJR is such a good band I love them so much like some of their songs go hard. Also this chapter is super ooc I’m sorry!

_ [i could really use a bud like you](https://youtu.be/3qce2Z4nlVs) _

Ben wasn’t entirely sure why he had let Jay drag him along to this stupid party. It was one of his old mates throwing a house party and Jay had said that he didn’t want to be alone, so Ben had tagged along, thinking that there would be booze and he could have an almost decent night. Instead, they showed up and the place was full of empty bottles and cans, and despite it only being 11pm, everyone seemed to be sparked out. It looked and felt like a fifteen year old’s house party. The few people that were conscious, just about, roped Ben and Jay into staying, practically holding them both hostage. Ben couldn’t help but glare at his best friend. 

Surprisingly, the boredom only lasted for a few moments longer as it quickly faded when he looked up at the sounds of someone emerging from the bathroom and made eye contact with Callum. Ben smirked. Finally, something that was going to give Ben at least a bit of amusement. “Callum? What’re you doing here?” Jay blurted out before Ben could consider saying anything. 

“The host was in my army basic,” Callum shrugged, looking over at the couch that was currently piled high with about 4 men surrounded by all sorts of empty alcohol containers. “Was just as much as a lightweight back then. And that’s coming from me,” Callum huffed out, setting himself down gingerly on the edge of the armchair. Already fed up with the place, Jay muttered something about going to find some drink and disappeared off into the kitchen. Ben’s smirk never once let up. Now was his opportunity. 

Without thinking about it, Ben grabbed Callum’s hand and tugged him off the chair. All whilst ignoring Callum’s harsh whispers of ‘what’re you doing?’ that were followed with ‘stop it!’, Ben tried each and every door in the house, eventually finding a one that lead down to the basement. Callum blanched. “We can’t just go into somebody’s basement, Ben. Are you insane?” Callum hissed out. 

Ben couldn’t help but roll his eyes, walking further into the dark space. “Cool it. Nobody will care. Nobody’s even awake to care,” Ben shrugged, searching for a light. The old bulb flickered for a little while before casting a dull amber glow across the room, it did nothing for Callum’s complexion. “You ever smoke before?” Callum looked confused by Ben’s question as they found a pair of boxes that looked steady enough to perch upon, at least for a little while. 

“Sure. Not my thing, everyone in the army used to. It was inevitable I did too,” Callum shrugged and Ben couldn’t help but laugh lightly. So he really was just oblivious to everything in life. 

“I didn’t mean cigarettes,” before Ben said the words Callum’s eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened slightly in realisation. “Weed. You ever smoked a spliff?” Callum shook his head quickly, hair flapping about a lot like a puppy dogs ears would. It was cute. Rather than ask if he wanted to, or ask if he minded, Ben pulled the joint from his coat pocket and lit it up in the basement. Callum shivered slightly and Ben chose to believe it was because of the slight chill that washed over the basement and nothing else. Only when Ben was halfway through the joint did he offer it to Callum. Callum accepted it with less hesitation than Ben first thought he would have. 

“How do I-?” Callum muttered. Ben snickered. 

“Just do it like you would smoke anything else, just don’t inhale-“ the warning came too late and Callum was already coughing his lungs up. Ben has serious struggle containing the laughter that bubbled its way up, escaping as a slight snort. “Try again. Don’t inhale so heavily this time. Just relax with it,” Ben instructed. 

Soon enough, both of them were feeling a pleasant buzz from the drug and Callum kept practically giggling at nothing, earning strange looks from Ben who was barely stopping himself from joining in. “Why’d you do it?” Callum hummed once they’d moved from the boxes to the floor, both of them laying on their back. 

“Just helps me relax sometimes. Paul was the one who got me into it, actually. It’s just nice to tune out sometimes,” Ben shrugged, his eyes slipping closed. The light that swung overhead created patterns in the darkness behind Ben’s eyelids, the shapes only being disturbed when he felt Callum looming over him, looking down at him. “Yes?” Ben acknowledged, cracking one eye open. Callum looked about 2 seconds away from bursting into another bought of laughter, Ben couldn’t help but snigger at that. He’d never met someone who got so giggly when they were high. 

“Can I kiss you?” In response, Ben pulled Callum down flush on top of him m. The kiss they shared didn’t have much effort or power behind it, it was lazy and borderline sloppy but it felt amazing. Ben assumed it felt good for Callum too by the breathless little moans that Callum wasn’t bothering to hold back. They stayed that way for a long time, until the bulb that had been on its last legs finally gave up and bust above them, until their high started easing off and they were left feeling more hungry than intoxicated.

It had felt nice. Ben was so used to seeing Callum worked up and shut off, to see his walls crumble down, to see him feeling happy and carefree had been a wonderful feeling. The kissing hadn’t been so bad either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fun, silly little last chapter! Thank you for reading and enjoying this fic!!! A big big shoutout to everybody that consistently read all of these, dealt with my delays and commented on each chapter! You’re all so lovely and I hope to see you on my other fics that I plan on writing!


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